Perfect Timing

We found out I was pregnant the day after we closed on the house.

Between Nov 2018 and Aug 2019....

buy a house
turn 30
have a kid

This makes me feel uneasy not because it's too basic or too formulaic, but because I feel so lucky and it's so tidy, I worry the universe is gonna mess with me.

Just to really cement the ending of an era, both Game of Thrones and the Avengers arc will wrap up in April - my favorite longform stories that have claimed a big chunk of my heart, my headspace, and my socializing. It feels like fitting timing that I can relish the endings right at the ending of my time of youth & freedom.

The 30s are definitely gonna be different, and now that I'm here, I no longer think that's a tragedy.

I also couldn't have asked for better seasonal timing. 

Get pregnant right at Halloween, when the spiritual vibes feel enhanced. 

Go full cat mode during the winter - lie around, take sick days, eat a lot, celebrate chill holidays, opt out of events, easy to get cold air if I feel nauseous.

Share the news in the spring, and get that energy surge for the second trimester. 

I probably won't have to buy any new winter clothes or coats or boots - a couple pairs of maternity pants and some flowy dresses and I am set! If my feet swell, it's sandals time anyway. 

Be a landwhale in the summer; go to the pool everyday. 

Have the baby in early August - unlikely to have storm interruptions that cause power outages or grandparents unable to visit.

During the intense postpartum period have mild weather - easy to go outside without worrying about the baby getting cold or slipping on ice. Clear day / night patterns might help with sleep. I won't feel as trapped in the house, at least I could sit in my backyard while breastfeeding or go for a short walk with a stroller.

Have a few months to adjust before the big holidays - Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas. Get adorable "baby's first" pics. Have an idea of how much socializing & travel we're able to do.

The Winter of If

As of today, I am somewhere between 2 & 7 days late on my period. Had some trouble pinpointing ovulation exactly this time.

I've been putting off taking the test to find out. Usually, I want the information AS SOON as possible. But I know that it will set off this cascading to-do list in my mind - go to the doctors, plan who to tell, start changing my diet & meds, go back to my Google Drive folder and start organizing all my tips & tasks. 

And we closed on the house yesterday, and that was such a big task list and what-if that is now done. We still have repairs and moving, but there is a bit more mental & emotional bandwidth available for this other enormous change.

I just got an email from my boss asking if I can go to Australia for 2 weeks in February. So that was the kick in the butt I needed to gather the information so I can make this decision. I'll pee on the stick tonight. (The tests I have expired two months ago, so if I get a negative, I may go buy a newer pack.)

I wish I could talk to some of my closest people about this (besides the hubby). Just the craziness of these 24 hours, and the changes. I don't know how I can say yes or no to Australia without telling my manager if I am, though I don't really want to bring it up so early. And I realllllyyyy want to go if I can. 
But Thanksgiving is in one week, I'll tell my parents in person, and after they know, other people can know as needed.

I really kind of think I am pregnant. I don't feel bad (yet), but I do feel different. There are times when I am suddenly sleepy, and times that I am buzzing and overflowing with productive energy and thoughts so many thoughts! I'm sleeping well & craving healthy foods. If the whole first trimester is like this, that would be great.
Maybe some of the thyroid & PMS upheaval of this year will make the pregnancy - endocrine changes seem like nbd.

What a difference two years makes

Two years later, and now we're officially actually trying to have a kid. I changed my thyroid meds. We had sex on purpose near a fertile time.
And now I'm having a "Schroedinger's Baby" week that doesn't feel entirely negative.

Last time, I think I cried everyday. I felt despair, like a person on death row, where each week brings more anguish. I felt incredible anger at myself for letting it happen, for getting in the situation. 

I knew on some level that people had made it through tougher situations - single moms, high schoolers, women in poverty, people with terrifying health situations. But I still felt I'd made a mistake.

I really truly believed that: 

a) my mental health would never have a chance to recover, with the hormonal swings and life upheaval
b) my job, already precarious, would be taken from me, or I'd continue along as an awkward disappointment in my manager's eyes
c) we would never buy a house or have financial security

And as frustrating as those challenges would be for me, how unfair it was to bring a child into a season where I was at my worst.


Today, I have some fears still.
-Change & uncertainty are always scary

-Experiencing physical pain & exhaustion with no end in sight is a hard road
-A person I love about may have health problems, or be harmed by this cruel world

-What if I run out of money 

-What if I mess up at this important role & relationship

But these are fears that are always a part of life. A baby makes them more pressing, but it's not as though staying childfree will protect me from these fears.

Approaching 30 also feels like a landmark. I have grown and changed so much in the last decade. And I see that now my friends and I are not 25 anymore. The tone is different; even without kids we are slowing down and becoming homebodies. Avoiding kids will not put a pause on time and aging. 

I feel that my life is as good as it's ever been. I have as strong a marriage as ever, with a good support network. We're about to buy a house. We're both valued at work. I can picture a graph with one line representing maturity & stability that slowly increases over life, and another line representing health and energy that slowly decreases, and you've gotta find the sweet spot to have a kid. I think 30 may just be that spot for me.

We'd joked before about having the perfect child 4 years into our marriage, since we were both born 4 years into our parents marriage and were pretty good kids. The 4 year anniversary is in March, just 4 months away now.



Before, I imagined that I would have nothing but misery and suffering for a couple years, and maybe on the other side, I'd find some peace and meaning.

Now, I wonder and hope that pregnancy and postpartum may have their own joys. To feel accomplishment or at least relief; to experience a peaceful moment; to have all those "first meetings" between my family and old friends and the new one. I see events planned for the spring and summer, and picture attending them pregnant, as just a part of life.

I think my team at work will be happy for me. (I know maternity leave is no vacation, but I also feel ready to do a different kind of work for a bit.)

I see now that I can't craft a perfect moment and hold onto it forever. Now, whenever I experience a nice moment like a hug, singing along to a favorite song, walking in the sunshine, I imagine that even though I will bring an imperfect person into an imperfect world, they too will have those moments. Life itself feels very good.