Choosing Confidence

I stumbled on an old anxiety resource that I saved because I liked it - "What would your life be like if you let go of that belief?"
Often, when a recurring thought is stressing me out, I realize that I'm holding on to it for some perversely self-preserving reason.

Having a sense of limits is practical (can I physically & financially handle another kid right now?) But I'm already committed to having this kid, so continuing to suspect or say that I can't handle it isn't smart or helpful anymore.

What would my life feel like if I starting thinking and saying that I am ready to be a mom? If I told myself, I can figure this out, I can ask for help, I'll get through it even if I struggle at first.

Part of me believes that if I think I'm up to the challenge, I'm just being naive. Without a deep fear to drive me, I wouldn't prepare enough. A more confident me wouldn't bother with the reading and exercises and doula tips.
So instead I try to look at how hard I've worked and how much I've learned and use that to boost my confidence.

Besides, what does it mean to "not handle it" as a parent? What does failure look like?
Be moody every day and lose all my friends? Get sent to a mental asylum? CPS takes the kid? The baby dies?

Choosing to have confidence now doesn't make failure more likely, it just makes me less miserable for now.

Mindfulness & Love

I really coasted through the 2nd trimester physically and mentally, haven't posted in 4 months.

One thing I hope to keep in mind with this baby is to love the relationship as it is now, and not have expectations of how it's going to be later. Because the now exists and the future is not certain.

I am prone to focus on the future and work toward goals and improvement. I will probably feel impatient for the baby to be a toddler or the teen to be an adult; I imagine it will be easier or at least I'll get to see some of my work pay off as this young person grows and matures.

But there are no guarantees.

While I imagine the adult relationship I hope to have with this kid, what could actually happen? They could die or become disabled or grow estranged or live off the grid in Mongolia and come home every other Christmas.

I don't want to see the years with my kid as work that eventually pays off, but as valuable itself.

Some practice I've had with this mindset:
-In the first trimester this time, I remember going for a run and feeling hit with this profound understanding. I didn't know what was going to happen, if I'd have another loss. All I knew was that on this day, the baby was with me and I loved them a lot. And it felt like freedom to fully embrace that feeling and set aside the future for a minute.

-I imagined that pregnancy would feel like annoying work that eventually paid off, but it actually feels like the beginning of a relationship. I don't think I'll miss being pregnant, but at the same time I'm enjoying getting to know the little guy from his movements and the checkups.

-Sometimes I worry, what if Mr. Cat dies, or my parents sure are getting older! And the only thing I know to do about that feeling is to love them better today.

-I see what's happened with my brother, who suddenly decided to stop seeing or communicating with the family. My parents did not see this coming and I don't think they did anything wrong to make it happen. I hope that doesn't happen to me, but I also have to accept that it's not entirely within my control. But I still remember past times with him fondly, the present awkwardness & hurt don't overwrite what was real before.