which of the seven deadly sins are you?

 For most times in my life, the "deadly sin" that has me firmly in its grips is: Jealousy.

It fits for someone who is a bit brooding by nature. Of course I couldn't even get a vice that's fun while it lasts like Gluttony or even Wrath.

I have truly nasty thoughts about people around me when I feel overwhelmed, turning them into shallow caricatures of easy lives, which I know are unrealistic. How blissful does my life seem from the outside? Why do I imagine that only I have secret burdens that are unbearable?

Here is how Jealous-Me thinks about parenting:
Everyone has a lifeline but me. They all have rich husbands so they can stay home, or easily afford help, or grandparents who babysit for free. Or they work further outside the city where rent & childcare cost less.

People have kids in rougher circumstances...but no one that I know. I have two endocrine disorders & a mental health problem. I'm predisposed to gestational diabetes. I had to stop taking my thyroid medications because of birth defects, and I'm not sure what that will do. I will be frankly astonished if I don't get severe post partum depression. Unlike others I know who took time off when they had a baby or a mental health breakdown, I HAVE TO keep working. I can't decide that it's too much & take a year off, because I don't have a rich husband.

I'm even bitter toward my own mom. My dad made enough money that she could stay home. They moved to this area 30 years ago, when home prices were affordable. She had great health through all four pregnancies & no trouble with breastfeeding or delivery (it remains to be seen if I inherited this). 

Even reasonable thoughts of gratitude can be twisted. I get 5 weeks of PTO a year! That's great worklife balance! And then Jealousy replies, but your officemate was able to go parttime & work from home for a whole year after her daughter was born, because she was in a different department then.

I haven't yet figured out how to drive out this kind of irrational jealousy.

I guess I have two of my own "lifelines" that I should be grateful for:

1) If we couldn't pay food or rent, my parents would give us some money. If we were homeless, they would take us in.

2) My guy is SO HAPPY and excited to be a dad. He says the cheesiest thing, and means them. I asked him why God didn't give me more love and courage if he wanted to make me a parent, and my guy says, well, he gave you me! So yes, even if everyone else I know has more money, no one else has the partner I have. Already, I can't imagine doing it without him.

am i turning into my mom

My mom was mostly a pretty good mom. She had a PhD but stayed home to raise us. I remember as a little kid going to parks and little free concerts and library programs and this petting zoo. I love my siblings and the time we spent growing up together. She packed lunches and cooked dinner and tried to have family meal time every night, even as 4 extracurricular schedules grew complicated. She made it to all the softball games and school plays and boy scout advancement ceremonies. She was dutiful and responsible and just the right amount of strict.



The main lesson I'm learning from my mom now that I'm grateful for - being a good parent is a decision and a choice that anyone can make, not a destiny for those with the "correct" fuzzy feelings. Like me, she felt ambivalent about having kids, and didn't have the baby fever as many women do, but tried her best once they (we) showed up.
She gave us her time & hard work, but her life and identity didn't revolve around us. She'd just as soon we leave her alone for a minute. She was annoyed by us & our hobbies and wasn't afraid to say it as we got older.

Right now, this is a relief. If I had a mom who simply adored every minute of motherhood and didn't understand my mixed emotions, I'd already feel like a failure. But if I follow in her footsteps of doing a good enough job, it seems like I could manage that. And I turned out alright....I think?


 

Mom Brain begins

One relief I've had is that my new anxieties seem to be pushing out the old anxieties, rather than just layering on top for double the drama.

Did a friend forget to invite me to an event? That's a little sad, but I was too tired to go anyway.
Is my boss maybe disappointed in my work but doesn't want to say anything? That's too bad because my work is not gonna be great this year, I just hope I don't get fired.

Even pregnancy-related anxieties I had earlier are going away. The idea of not drinking for nine months was intimidating to me. We went to 4 parties the week before we found out, when I was already pregnant. I sipped on a couple drinks, but it just wasn't appealing to me. Now, I'm already tired all the time anyway, and concerned that nausea may be just around the corner. So I haven't missed alcohol yet.

And labor seems less scary than before. My mom, and people on the internet, have said that it's not that bad, compared to menopause, or period cramps, or the 9th month of pregnancy, or the 1st month of pregnancy, or the 4th month of breastfeeding. I'm sure some would disagree, but I'm going to believe them for now and tell anyone who tries to make me scared to shut up. Besides these testimonies, there are two main reasons I'm less afraid.

1) I've been through some health shit this year. Hyperthyroidism is terrifying when you don't know what's going on. I felt like I was dying for weeks before I figured it out. It's easily treated, but every few months I'd be just a little bit off again, and they'd change my dosage, and I'd feel terrible for 2-3 weeks.
And then I had a panic attack in my boss's office, that lasted on and off for the next 2 days when we were at a wedding, supposed to be having fun.
I don't really remember what normal healthy carefree me feels like, so maybe it's a great time to be pregnant after all. I'll just kind of roll with this newest set of endocrine changes & fears.
So after months of being scared and exhausted and just feeling off but not knowing why or if it's in your mind....physical pain, with a clear end point, and nothing else to try to get done that day, and people helping you, may be refreshingly straightforward.

2) Pregnancy body so far as been positive. I know it's early, and there are probably some unforeseen nasty symptoms ahead of me. But I am really getting this sense that this is not a disease, it's a normal healthy thing. It can certainly trigger health problems. But so far, I've been sleepy, and hungry, and feeling slight pressure cramps as my uterus grows. And it all makes sense! My body is not sick, it's changing, and I know why these changes are happening!
Even though I don't feel ready in my mind to be pregnant for most of next year, and then to deliver a baby, and then to feed it with my body while i don't sleep & try to heal, and then teach it how to not be an asshole and stay in school....my body knows what it's doing. I've heard people say that as labor begins their rational mind takes a break and a deep mammalian instinct takes over. Already, this is making more sense to me.
I have a little bit of trouble letting go of control, but I think maybe my brain will be burned out enough to accept the break when it comes. And what a feeling of accomplishment when you're done!

3) I'm mentally preparing for intervention free delivery, to lower my chance of complications. But if it really is that bad....I can have the epidural. 

women's work & double standards

It feels very unfair that I have to be the one to do all the heavy lifting of pregnancy, childbirth, and breastfeeding. Added to the fact that in my house, like so many, we both work fulltime but I do a lot of the chores & admin. My husband is helpful & sweet, so if I say, I feel terrible, can you go to the store, make dinner, start laundry, and reply to this person? he will. But I still have to remember it all, and remind him.

So if I ever feel like there are too many things and I'm failing, I will ask myself, was I good father today? was I a good husband today? and then i'll see that yes, I fed my kids some healthy food and read them a story and laughed at their terrible joke. or no, I was stressed and took it out on him.
But holding myself to a man's or maybe a gender neutral standard, will help all the sexist bullshit about being mild-mannered when asking for help and cute personalized lunches and stimulating craft projects will fall away and I'll see if I was involved and loving in the core of what matters.

I also feel already that I'm temporarily free from the pressure to be a sexy skinny woman. Gaining 25 pounds sounds uncomfortable and inconvenient. I'll have to buy new clothes. But the idea of going to the pool this summer at 8 months pregnant is...freeing. For the first time since I was maybe 10, I won't give a damn who's looking or what they're thinking. My body is not androgynous sexy. It is gonna get a hell of a lot more curvy & womanly & feminine. I read a quote that boys are taught to use their body as an instrument, a tool to shape the world around them, and girls are taught to use their body as an ornament, to look good, no matter what else they're doing. For the first time, I'm starting to value my body as an instrument more. I've never been much of an athlete, more of a studious kid. But now my body is doing something amazing, and if I'm going to look "fat & sweaty" while I do, I don't really care.

When I gained 10 pounds early this year as I started the thyroid meds, I was really stressed about it, though my BMI was still fine. Now I'm gained three more pounds, and I don't care at all. I'm just glad that I don't have morning sickness, and I don't have to worry about losing it.

One more CBT trick - a list of rational beliefs

I made this list of "rational beliefs" that I read when everything seems too overwhelming. 

• make decisions for love, not fear. love is a choice.
• aren't you crazy about him? and isn't this just one more crazy romantic thing you've agreed to do?
• today's feelings are not always a reliable guide about what is good for you. 
• your children will not starve. 
• this new person will have a relationship with everyone you care about. 
• take a few minutes to meditate on the miracle/what's really important and let the logistics fall aside. 
• God, I think you made a mistake & I'm not up to this, but go ahead & prove me wrong
• for most of your life, you will have an adult child not a newborn. 
• you are young and healthy, now is better than later. 
• better "too soon than never"
• your romantic love as a couple should be a foundation, not an idol. 
• it's the greatest adventure to share. 
• experiencing life is the only way to gain wisdom. you will learn things you can't imagine yet. 
• this will keep you humble. 
• you & he will be great parents. 
• it's not fair to deprive the world of the greatest child ever
• aren't you curious what your fusion will be like?

Pregnant & Anxious - will it make me or break me?

About 6 months ago, I was diagnosed and started seeing a CBT for generalized anxiety disorder. I've probably had this for years, at least since high school, and I had crippling social anxiety in the younger grades, and some autism spectrum behaviors.

Symptoms of anxiety run untreated through my mother's family, so I believe I inherited and learned a lot of this from her (as cliche as that is). My counselor & I had just decided that I was doing better (symptoms were low-moderate, down from high-moderate), so I'd go on my merry way and come back if there was a problem. Pregnancy is a pretty disruptive change, mentally and physically, but I don't want to add another monthly (or more often) doctor's appointment. I'll already be out of work a lot & spending so much money on the Obstetrician and the endocrine guy for my hyperthyroidism.
Besides, I learned some great techniques and coping thoughts and attitudes of self-love, and this is an ideal situation to practice them - it's not bad, it's just a new thing.

Self-care - already this is easier. Before when I was tired or hungry, I'd think, is this my thyroid acting up? am i imagining it? am i stress eating? should i go out anyway, so i don't lose my friends and become depressed? i don't want anyone to worry about me. Now, it's just, the baby wants a snack and a nap? That's what we're doing. I *should* love myself as much as I love the baby, and this is a way to see what that looks like.

Staying flexible & accepting that you can't control everything - wedding planning was hard for me some days because I felt like I was doing everything myself with no help. so far, getting ready for the baby feels different. Yes, I'll have to do some reading to learn about health, find day care, and I should probably buy a few things for a nursery. But this baby is coming in 9 months, it's unstoppable, unlike a wedding which only happens if I get a bunch of adults to listen to what I say. I can trust my intuition over social norms now, and instead of being a bad hostess, believe that I'm being a good mother.

Give people a chance to be decent to you - I am a little worried about work. I want to stack all my PTO at the end of the standard maternity leave, and use more work from home days if I feel sick or have appointments. I'm afraid they won't let me (for some reason). But I'm trying not to worry and expect that I will be treated decently, if not exactly the way I want. My mom has been so happy, and not critical of my "decision" (aka my one and only option) to put an under-6-month-old in daycare. My friends have been happy & good listeners, no one has asked if it was surprise or added to my worries.

Live in the moment - I am grateful every day that I feel strong enough to continue working, that I can eat, that I can sleep, that my partner is being so loving and helpful. Fear for the future can be turned into gratitude for now. And unlike my thyroid & anxiety problems, which will be with me on & off for life, any pregnancy symptom truly is a passing thing.

Take it one day at a time - I've made a list of the things we need to do before the baby comes. Everything from hiring a doula to making a registry to planning for a baptism. If something pops into my mind, I write it down. I'm not trying to do any of it yet. These holiday weeks are for resting and sharing the news and getting used to the idea. Once we return to "normal life" sometime in January, we'll start tackling the to-do list.

It's ok to ask for help - I've actually been enjoying asking Mr. Cat for little favors, like more of the driving and bringing me water if I'm sitting. At Christmas dinner, when my family was voting for pizza or Chinese food, I said my vote counted twice. It's silly, but it feels like practice for the time when I'll really need the help.

imposter syndrome - walking into walgreen's to buy the pregnancy test actually felt a bit like the first time I went into try on wedding dresses. I wasn't excited or dreading it. I felt like I was going to pass out or throw up. I was somehow not woman enough to be doing this for real. I should be more glamorous, more put-together, to reach this rite of passage. Like strangers would stare at me, knowing how out of place it was. I've heard at least two of my other friends feel the same way about wedding dress shopping. One is a sweet, well-dressed Martha Stewart model of successful womanhood - cheese plates, handwritten birthday cards, presents for any occasion. The other is a gorgeous confidant vet tech, cook, and workout fiend. So, if neither of them feel up to the mark of womanhood, I'm guessing no one on earth does.
I don't cease to be me just because I'm in a new role of "mom" now. I continued to be me when I was playing the role of "bride". I will still be change averse and sleep loving, but organized and trying my best.

Accidental Alpha Matriarch

Accidental Alpha Matriarch - this is how I'm thinking of myself in my friend group now. At a bachelorette party last year of about 12 girls, I was the only married one. This year, on a similar trip, I will be (as far as I know), the only pregnant one.

1

I'm 28, so not crazy young, but definitely ahead of the curve for the overeducated white-collar East Coast circle I'm in. The main problem with this is we don't have a lot of money saved. No down payment for a house, a 10 year old car that we share (that now will probably not be replaced by a Tesla), and my husband is just now thinking that he should move on from his flat-salaried non-profit gig.

But in other ways, doing this while I'm still young enough to heal & deal with sleep deprivation is convenient. Having both grandmas in their 50s, fit and ready to help is great. Most of our friends & 4 of our 5 siblings have no kids yet, so our little one will be spoiled and easy to find a sitter for. I expect a lot of help and attention, and then when it's someone else's turn, I'll be able to help in a different kind of way. I've already become a go-to resource for wedding planning, and it's cool to think I'll reprise my big sister role in this way.

Plus, when this kid goes off to college, I'll be 46, and he'll be 50 - still young enough to enjoy ourselves while our friends are suffering through the school days.

Was it a surprise? Or was it planned?

I found out I was pregnant on Friday. It's now Tuesday, and I've been having waves of thoughts, feelings, and realizations. I've told my family and four of my oldest friends. So far, no one has asked me yet if this baby was planned.
Besides telling them off for being too cheeky and personal, I'd have no idea how to answer. I've been pretty open in the past about my ambivalence toward having kids. To paraphrase one of my favorite cartoonist/bloggers, "it's always been a dream of mine to have raised a family in the past."

We've been using NFP / fertility awareness method since we got married almost two years ago, which is a whole other wrinkle in the surprise vs planned question (since apparently, it has to be one or the other). Basically, I take my temperature every morning, and note the changes in cervical mucus throughout the month. I can observe additional signs, such as sore boobs after ovulation, or "noticing the jawlines of tall guys on the subway" right before ovulation. Women can only get pregnant in a small window of the month - from 5 days before til 3 days after their ovulation. So there are "red light" days when you know you're ovulating, and "green light days" when you know you're more than a week away, and are safe to have sex. But, for someone like me with PCOS & irregular cycles there are also some "yellow light" days.


Many women have 28 day cycles - 14 days from the start of the period til the ovulation, and then 14 days from the ovulation til the period. The first half of my cycle sometimes drags on for 4 or 6 or even more weeks with no sign of ovulation. So, we get impatient. We think, if it's taking my body this long to ovulate, it may not even be an effectively fertile egg. So, we have sex on a "low risk" day. 



We've probably done this 5 or 6 times over the past couple years. Maybe we were on vacation or it was a special day or we were feeling carefree or had just seen a cute baby. But this time, I got pregnant. 


So no, this kid was not planned. But the decision to use NFP, and to play around with the marginally safe days, means it's not really a surprise either. 


In some sense, it's a huge surprise though, as I imagine a first pregnancy always is. It actually worked! I got my diagnosis of PCOS 2 years ago and had to tell him, 3 months before our wedding, that I might never have my own kids.  I started my period on October 24. We had sex around November 26. And I think my ovulation was 5 days after that, on the outside edge of what's biologically possible. What made this time different, what made these gametes so determined?

My two friends who got pregnant in the last year did plan it. They knew what month they wanted to conceive, went off the pill 3 months before that, and dutifully scheduled sex on their fertile days. One of these friends has said repeatedly that she'll get her tubes tied after she has two kids. I'm happy that their lives are unfolding according to their plans, but....I can't imagine being 100% sure that I'm ready for kids, just as I can't imagine (barring financial or health disasters) being 100% sure that I'm done.

Well, my plan may have been having this kid in 2-5 years. Of course, in 2-5 years, I'd be having an entirely different kid, which is weird to think about. This is one area where being a cradle Catholic and "leaving it up to God" feels right. Even if I have a plan for the timing, and can make it so, I have no idea what are the different potential people at stake. It's such a huge uncontrollable decision, that I felt almost more comfortable not really making the decision.

But seasonally, I think the timing is actually great. We're seeing a lot of family & old friends around the holidays to tell them, and the Christmas story is something to contemplate. The cold weather will help if I have to run outside with nausea, and there is plenty of hearty food to eat, since I am so hungry.
Second trimester in the springtime should give me a surge of energy, and we will have to move or radically change our one bedroom apartment around that time. There will be a couple weddings and a bachelorette party to attend, other peoples milestones to celebrate.
Being heavily pregnant in the summer will be uncomfortable, but it will be easy to wear maxi dresses & sandals for months, go to the pool everyday, and there won't be a blizzard on my due date.
When I'm delirious with the newborn, and learning to breastfeed, we'll have mild September weather - perfect for sitting around the house topless, or going for short sanity walks.