37 weeks

 I'm definitely feeling in the home stretch of this pregnancy now. 

It's been Too Hot and I've been Large & Slow & Tired for awhile, but this is a new level. 

• If I stay on my feet for any amount of time, I start having Braxton-Hicks and dull cramping. Have been using the belly band at times. 
• My hips are constantly sore, and I can't really sit on the ground anymore. 
• The mental spaciness has begun; I drop things, have gotten worse at parking, can't focus or recall words. 
• I feel less existential or big picture anxiety. Alternating between chilling and nesting - running around the house organizing the "baby stations." 

At my 36 week checkup, they found I was 1 cm dilated and 50% effaced. That was a week ago, so I no longer think I'm about to go into labor any second. But I do wonder if this means baby 2 will come before 40 weeks, or my early labor may go a bit faster. Or maybe it means nothing at all. 

Being able to sleep in and nap when needed has helped a lot, and I am scared to be thrust back into the no sleep days of a newborn (plus now having an early rising active toddler). 

I hope it will be easier in some ways this time - I may start out more confident & with more supplies; I have more friends with babies to talk to; I know that is does in fact get easier and more fun as the months go on. 

But I'm worried that we'll somehow get a worse sleeper, a colicky fussy baby, some health issues, that would make the experience harder last time. I hope Mr. Cat will get at least some telework days because that was super helpful last time.

And of course I'm experiencing dual anxieties, where I worry about both versions of the future. 

I hope this baby comes soon, I'm tired of being pregnant and as ready as I'm gonna be.

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I need more time to tie up loose ends at work, to organize the supplies and stock the fridge & freezer, to enjoy being a family of 3. 

What if I have another long labor? Will I survive the exhaustion? 

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What if this labor happens SO FAST that we don't leave on time? 

What if this baby also refuses to breastfeed? 

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What if I actually hate breastfeeding and want to quit but can't decide? 

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What if this baby is sensitive and can't take formula, so I can never sleep and starting daycare is much harder? 

What if this baby also has a NICU stay? How would we logistically handle that with another little kid at home and one car? What kind of wrinkles will the pandemic introduce? 

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What if I'm rooming with this baby and never get to sleep / recover from delivery? 

How do we decide if me + the new baby or the Bub at home with grandparents needs Mr. Cat's presence more? Is he allowed to go back and forth in the pandemic? 

My SIL has a 3 week old baby and seems to be having a great time of it. She's tired and feeling cooped up in the house, but seems so calm and confident. Her baby nurses like a champ and sleeps well some nights. It gives me some hope that not everyone has a horror story or more than they can handle. 

Despite the constant physical reminders, it still seems surreal that I am about to have this baby. This year has been adjusting to the season for outside time, the waning & waxing risk of pandemic, Bub's growing up into new activities, Mr. Cat's in-office requirements. The pregnancy has been there for all of it, and it's weird that the biggest change yet will be here soon.