Data Driven Parenting

I LOVED this article, and am gonna buy both of her books.

https://www.nytimes.com/2019/04/19/opinion/sunday/baby-breastfeeding-sleep-training.html

 

The takeaway seems to be - look at data like an economist.
If there is not an obvious harm or benefit to your child, then look to your own health and your own personal preferences.

Facts and data are so important, because if you make decisions without them what are you looking at? Blind guesses, old stereotypes, guilt?


There seem to be a lot of assumptions that ANYTHING that will make a parents life easier (or, you know, keeps their own physical & mental health stable) must therefore be a selfish choice that is bad for the baby.
Best to always be a martyr, just in case.

When in reality, if formula and sleep training means the parents are not depressed, more patient, better able to cherish their time with their kid....that's gotta be better for the kid and the family in the long run.
PLUS maybe the kid is getting more food and more sleep that way too. 

Another issue is Labels.
Instead of asking, do i want to be a stay at home mom or a working mom? 
Ask, what is the optimal number of hours for me & my partner to work outside the home?

Rather than picking your pile of stigma, you can look at the time/money balance to see what suits your family.

Dread

After two losses, I can say that the dread was the worst part.

The first time happened so fast, that it was mostly whiplash.
Dread set in next - what happens to me now? Will I sink into a depression? And if not, does that mean I'm destined to be a horrible mother? Will I ever have kids? I feel so relieved right now - how will I know when it's time to try again?

The second time, the grief and physical pain were again real and difficult. But the dread was the worst part. The days I was waiting for the D&C ; when I had to call my mom to break the news ; every time I spotted at the start and waited for the ax to fall ; imagining living through the weeks of uncertainty again and again.

A work situation also taught me this about dread. The projector wouldn't connect to my laptop when I had to give a presentation, which I found very stressful. But in retrospect, there was nothing terrible in that moment. It was all in the dread - what am I going to tell these people when they show up? What will I tell my boss?
I also had to leave the room with a coughing fit, which was something I worried about for YEARS. I worried about that happening at my wedding, and at every work trip.
I didn't love the experience of being sick in front of people. But it happened and I went back into the room...and that was that. Not ideal, but that situation no longer fills me with dread.

I've also worried at times for years - what if I puke on the metro? And today I thought...so what? It would be embarrassing and uncomfortable but...life would go on.

So if dread is the worst thing I can experience, why do I have it so often?
My whole life people have been telling me to "just stop worrying," which I always found annoying and unhelpful.

So I had to discover for myself two key truths...

- It is POSSIBLE to stop your thoughts from preparing for the worst, after it stops being practical.
- It is GOOD to stop your thoughts from preparing for the worst, after it stops being practical.

I really believed in my deepest place that it was smart to be prepared, and I had to use my smarts to compensate for my flaws - panicking, social awkwardness, inflexibility, being unlikeable. That's how I'd gotten through school, job interviews, even some social settings - by researching and planning and having a strategy.

What it really comes down to - I am just starting to trust myself to respond to a new or unexpected situation as it unfolds. I think some people are born with the confidence to drift through life, just winging it, but better late than never!

I'm sure it will take some practice, but believing that it is POSSIBLE and GOOD to opt out of dread must be an important first step.
If I can spend less of my life in the "brace for impact" mental position...what a life that would be.

This ties into a scary but radically freeing idea - if I lose this pregnancy too, there is nothing I can do to make that go better or worse. I know that I can get through it because I have before, and because there is no choice. 

Because no preparation is possible, that means no preparation is necessary. I can deeply believe that this is a dread that I can and should choose to not put myself through. If something goes wrong, it will be clear to me, from my body or from the doctor. And then I will go home and experience something painful. 

Not easy, but simple.

And the symptoms I experience day to day - nausea, exhaustion, worries when I spot - the worst part is when I tell myself "guess I'll feel this bad for the next 3-18 months!"

Another more mundane example of how I frequently subject myself to dread. I took a pretty long lunch break today between getting a massage & picking up a special dinner
And I started to feel guilty while driving (as I do most times that i run errands or go to the doctor or take a sun break when im teleworking).
And I realized how profoundly unhelpful that feeling was.
If I really think it was a mistake or wrong to leave work for so long, then I can decide to never do it again.
But for today, the decision is made. Second guessing isn't a "compromise" or a way to do both.
It doesnt make me magically spend those minutes at work, it just robs the relaxation and the celebration of their joy. It would be better if I take my breaks either guilt-free, or not at all, then to take them but always beat myself up about it.

Similar, if someone starts a conversation that interrupts my work - better to be either fully present OR ask them to come back another time. But what I have often done - which is half-listen while I'm eager to get back to my previous task - means I'm not really doing either thing.

History doesn't repeat but it rhymes

Based on my own older blog posts, this week I am having a lot of "new" insights that I have had before.
That's ok. Whenever I put a connection into words, it sounds very simple and obvious. I guess there's something to be said for really feeling the truth of something, instead of just hearing a truism.

Found out this week I was pregnant, when the week before I had decided it was time to go to counseling to see if I'd ever be ready to try again.
At first there was a lot of panic and self-blame - what if my body and mental health aren't ready for this? Why didn't I wait longer? Why don't I feel brave and hopeful about this? But now I wonder if waiting longer would have even helped, maybe it would have been harder.

After leaving an unpleasant work trip to a dreary Cleveland, my mood and energy have been surprisingly stable. I've noticed uncharacteristically Zen thoughts & words. And in the spirit of this Zen, I want to write them down for my future self, because I can't assume that this newfound attitude will last forever.

Even in this first trimester phase, there are a lot of uncertainties. Will I suddenly start bleeding at home, like the first time? Will I get bad news from the doctor, like the second time? Will I make it to delivery and postpartum, and find that this is hardest of all?

It is so obvious and yet so inaccessible at times - all these outcomes won't come true. And in this moment, NONE of them are happening. This helps me feel grateful for the moment I'm in - there's no medical emergency right now. And that is all I know.

I also worry about the mundane trials of first trimester, like getting nauseous or extra tired or other complications, and not being able to explain why I'm "off." But again, in this moment, I can be grateful that I feel well enough to go about my life.

I went back to the therapist I saw for GAD 3 years ago. Some nice reminders from her:

• Be gentle with yourself. Eat and rest when you need to. Say no to social obligations. It's normal to be scared, so don't beat yourself up about this. Tell white lies to protect your privacy.
• I am very focused on the negatives. Remember there may be joyful parts too. Even in the first trimester, it's been fun to have a secret with Lorenzo. And eating produce and cheese is a transcendent experience. (Maybe emotional vulnerability is like physical hunger; it's awkward and inconvenient to be that frail, but it also means you can relish the little things.)
• I don't have to know everything and do everything by myself OR all at once. 

One common idea from general anxiety CBT is to beware of "should" statements.

The first hurdle is how you talk about yourself - I should be more brave, I should be more hopeful. (Which doesnt make it true, just is hard on yourself.)

I think the next level is Should-ing reality - I shouldn't have to go through this again, and I can't handle it. But if I accept that those statements are false, the uncertainty of life becomes easy to bear.

If it happens again - it will be sad. it will feel unfair. it will be hard work to recover.
But if i say that it Shouldn't happen, that just adds a burden to myself, to try to will reality to be something that i can't control, and then to try to explain to myself how it could happen again.

And if I say I can't handle it....I already know that's false.
I don't want to have to handle it.
But if it happens... it happens. There is literally nothing that i can do to stop it, but its also freeing to recognize there is nothing I can do to make it go better or worse.
I can get through it because...I have to. My body will be present, it's as simple as that. There is nothing I have to do to prepare, and there is nothing I have to do in that moment if it happens.
Kind of scary, but also kind of uncomplicated.
If improvement is not possible, then improvement is not necessary!