Some things have gotten easier :
- The Bub is on a meal & nap schedule most days, and often sleeps through the night.
- We are organized & flexible with a whiteboard showing shifts, meetings, baby tasks, errands, and social Zooms.
- After our state lifted the harshest lockdown restrictions, my mom has come over 1 afternoon a week to help out if we are double booked or extra busy.
- I have become fiercely determined to single-task only and keep to-do lists for work and home, so my brain can get through the day and not too much slips forgotten through the cracks.
Some things have gotten harder:
- The novelty and adrenaline is wearing off and a serious burnout is weighing on me. Most days I either sleep 10 hours or cry or feel lightheaded from a stress spiral.
- I've forgotten how to relax - taking the baby for a walk, showering, and sleeping feel great. So does doing yoga while I watch him, playing a podcast while I do dishes. But true downtime, doing something fun for me? I don't even know what I want to do, what I could do without feeling guilty for wasting that time.
- Knowing that we could start day care any time - that we have more choice than public school parents - makes me worry about professionalism and the patience of my coworkers.
- The Bub has become mobile and social, more like a small boy than a lump. It's harder to multitask while watching him or leave him unattended for a couple minutes. He sometimes fusses and reaches for me when I run from office to kitchen during my work time. I think he's starting to get bored never leaving the house (between quarantine, heat waves, and the pace of the workweek, we're limited to grandparents dropping in and early Saturdays at the park).
- Work is picking up - we both have more projects and more meetings.
Today, Mr. Cat took the baby to see family in Reston while I stayed home to work and I felt different within about 90 minutes. I don't have to think about the baby, just work (and dishes and laundry). There's a big difference between someone else watching him in the house (texting me questions, I'm keeping in mind if his schedule alters or where he's already played a lot that day). Today, when I took a 30 minute break I didn't feel guilty that I should be instead stepping in to baby duty so Mr. Cat could have his turn to work. I can be a great parent and a great worker, but not both at the same time. Even rapid switching is hard - my brain is just too full and I can't escape the guilt and dread. I need more days like today.
Even though this country does not have coronavirus under control, our state is doing well, and our county is one of the best in the state. We are planning to start daycare in about one month and I cannot wait. The school has been open throughout and has had no known cases and reasonable policies in place. I've seen the "pod" model of the smaller private schools held up as a safe example in contrast to the larger public schools with crowded halls and changing classes.
I wish I could have "normal" working mom with a baby problems. One person asked me when I was going to have my second and I'm like !? I don't even really know what it's like to have one in the world.
I knew day care would have big feelings - will he be happy? will he be scared? will he get enough attention? will he be able to nap and eat in a new place? what if he cries when I leave?
But now there's a layer of, I hope no one I know dies alone on a ventilator because I'm making this choice. I never wanted to be a catastrophizing paren; I want to be logical and acknowledge that we all make choices with some risk every day.
I knew the days would be long, but I never imagined working multiple fulltime jobs at once. At least we've done this long enough that I feel sure there is not a better way - I can't work harder or be more organized than I already am. My work laid off 50 people in June; if I try to reduce my hours I don't know if I'll have a fulltime job to return to. I could take more unpaid FMLA leave, but if we don't start now what are we waiting for? A vaccine? We can't do this for years - I'll have a mental breakdown and the Bub will increasingly need experiences and socializing beyond his distracted parents and his home.
I know working moms faced judgment, but I feel like I'm in a don't ask, don't tell/classified need to know basis with daycare. I never know who in my life will be horrified, or "helpfully" want to brainstorm alternatives (as though I haven't been doing that for months).
Maybe I should take a moment to acknowledge silver linings.
- We had so much family time during a time when the Bub changed every day - new games, new skills, reasons to laugh. It's helped us be equally involved parents and to occasionally sit down to a meal together.
- I'm glad that Bub is on a nap & meal schedule before he goes elsewhere for the days - I took data for weeks to track what his natural patterns were, which would have been hard if we'd been apart.
- We introduced all kinds of food including all allergens at home, making it easier to send him to school with packed snacks.
- Bub is old enough that he spends much of the day playing rather than being physically tended to. He loves to explore new places and warms up to new people (eventually). I can picture day care being actually fun for him and good for his development, which would have been harder to believe even a few months ago.
- Since both parents are working from home for the foreseeable future, he won't have as many hours away from us. I'm picturing 10-3 or 9-4 most days, with mornings and evenings together. And we may start him just 4 days a week and keep the current chaos for Fridays which tend to be slower workdays - less money and more time together.
Perhaps most important we have some perspective:
- Our challenges are real but we are lucky to be healthy and employed.
- This has made our marriage stronger, we really leaned on each other and got through it together.
- Future "busy times" may not seem so bad.
- Lots of life seems more optional and arbitrary now - we can say no to drive far away or socialize if we're tired.
- I can log off work at 3 and check back around 7. It's ok if I ignore my eamil for 3 hours at a time, no one dies or is angry with me. I can on occasion work while the Bub is home sick.
If we can get through this year what can't we do? (Please don't take that as a challenge 2021.)
