Second Delivery

Once it became clear that baby girl was not coming early enough to cut my pregnancy short, I was hoping for over the weekend. Due date was Monday Sept 20, and I thought Saturday or Sunday would just be easiest. Clarity for the work timesheets and counting my weeks of leave; no drama about school pickup or driving in rush hour. 

Sunday morning, I got up with Inigo. We were playing in the basement and I wondered if early labor was starting. At first I thought it was just my wishful thinking; contractions were very mild and probably Braxton Hicks. But they were coming at a regular pattern. 

Texted my parents and the doulas. I figured the baby would probably arrive sometime in the middle of the night. I felt pretty lucky my labor had started around 8:30 am, after a night I'd slept 10 hours. 

Mr. Cat and I took our big kid to a playground a short drive away (I'm glad he trusted my instincts to get some family time outside). They ran around while I curb walked and squatted and it was lovely. This was one of the last hot days of the summer, humid and mid80s by the afternoon, but it was perfect in the morning. 

The bub went down for his nap, Mr. Cat went to pick up some groceries to tide over our kid for a few days and some burgers for us to eat. 

I lay down for a bit but the pain was getting worse. So I cooked up two meals with ingredients I'd recently bought. Devoured the burger and milkshake he brought back. Finished packing my go bag. 

Then Mr. Cat had to poop (this is often a 20 min process). And I started to feel...different. Took Bub to the basement to watch Sesame Street and started timing contractions. They were 3 minutes apart. After I saw that for half an hour, I told my parents who were already on their way, to get there faster. Told the doulas and called the OB, who seemed a bit panicked that I was still home at 3 minutes apart and this was a second kid. 

I was glad to get to say goodbye to Inigo (since it was not the middle of the night or his school day), but it was a pretty unceremonious handoff. I didn't want my parents to see me in labor and I did want to get to the hospital soon. 

It felt ungodly hot in the car, even with the AC blasting and cold cloths for my face - December night was much more of a recommended vibe. Listened to Lord Huron on the way. In the car and hospital lobby my contractions still hurt a lot, but they seemed to be spacing out. I worried that I'd gone too soon (though no one else thought that). 

Waited for a room for what felt like an age - I had to wear a mask in the lobby and it was so hot and stuffy. We made it to a room about 5:15 in the afternoon. 

The doula (Cathy, same as last time) came to our room right away, and helped with palm & back pressure as I had my bed contractions while they set up fetal monitoring and heplock. 

We walked around for a bit and then started three sisters. The contractions hurt a lot more during the forward lean and the sidelying release, which Cathy said was supposed to happen. 

I was in a pretty bad headspace about this one. Said I wanted to get the epidural before things got bad, I was so scared, I was tired, I didn't want to do this. Also it was too hot to think about getting into the hot shower for pain relief.  

The OB checked and saw that I was at 8 cm. This was hugely motivating; we'd been at the hospital about 2 hours and I was already in transition? I noticed a bunch of nurses starting to set up equipment like the baby would be here any minute. I asked the OB to break my water. This didn't hurt, but the next set of contractions were horrible. It hurt just as bad as last time, but I wasn't in any water, I was just standing next to the bed screaming and sobbing while nurses changed a pad under my feet as more water kept gushing out. 

(This time Mr. Cat did not watch the crowning but he did see the water break. He said it was almost comical, like a B movie effect, just how much water there was.) 

In addition to the contractions pain, I was having the pressure of descent pain which does not give you a break. The OB wanted me to get back in the bed between contractions so she could see if I was finished dilating. I couldn't tell if I was having the urge to push or not and I couldn't tell when I was between contractions because the pain did not stop. This made me feel panicked and frustrated. 

 At some point, there was enough of a pause that I got back into the bed and the OB confirmed I was fully dilating. Then the pushing contractions began. 

Last time I don't remember any pain from pushing. But this time I was less exhausted and it was happening FAST. I think the pushing phase was less than 15 mins and it was maybe 5-8 pushes? Pretty sure poop and more water was coming out of me with each push. I screamed like I have never screamed in my life. I declared that I felt the ring of fire and it was really bad. In between contractions I tried to "take my rest." I started talking like a toddler, shouting "More cold!" when I wanted Mr. Cat to bring a fresh cold cloth for my face. He kept them coming during transition & pushing and stayed away from the business end. 

And when the contraction surged, I'd yell "Hold Legs!" so two of the nurses would help me brace. 

In hindsight, I'm glad I powered through, especially since the terrible part was faster than last time. But it was really intense and scary to go through it. 

The labor nurses were great; one of them was giving me some hip counterpressure during transition and was saying calming things about how I was doing everything right. 

But the OB and I had a bit of an antagonistic relationship. As I'm starting the pushing stage, she explained she'd keep an extra close eye on if this baby got stuck because "it looks bigger than the last one" which I super did not want to hear. 

Bublet's head came out with the cord around her neck. OB told me to hold in the next contraction so she could cut the cord, but I was just screaming "I CAN'T" and delivered the body a short interval later. I guess she managed to cut the cord in time. 

There was a brief pause before the baby cried. Mr. Cat followed her to the baby station. I knew that she was alive and fine, but wondered if we were about to have another NICU experience. Then they came and put my baby on my chest and I started ugly crying. She stopped fussing instantly once she was on me, was looking all around. Eventually attempted a first latch. She had so much hair and a cute face and no weird conehead from delivery. Weighed in at 8lbs3oz, which is in fact bigger than her brother but not by that much! 

I was worried about my tear because the delivery hurt much more in real time. But this one was much better, 1st degree and only required two stiches. The OB gave the "Novocain" shots, which completely dulled the feeling of the needle. But she was stretching with her fingers to examine and I kept being like OW can you not pull so hard? I asked about getting the good drugs in the IV like last time, but that is apparently not an option since I was about to start breastfeeding. 

Anyway, I'm likely to have my 6 week postpartum checkup with a different doctor due to scheduling and I'm totally fine with that. I guess she did her job well to cut the cord quickly, and I liked her when she was breaking my water, but after that, good riddance.  

I feel so lucky that I got to experience the golden hour. And lucky to have a second complication-free delivery. Two of my friends also had babies this week; one is a runner and the other grows her own food. They both hoped to have natural deliveries and were so confident they ignored my advice to hire a doula. But then they both ended up with complications. 

Runner friend had her water break but no contractions. So she had to be induced, and at 24 hours was only at 2 cm and exhausted. She got the epidural and quickly went to 9 cm, narrowly avoiding a C section. 

Garden friend had an induction scheduled a month before due date, because of a rare liver complication. Ended up with a C section after 36 hours of labor. 

It really is a scary thing, you never know how it's going to go. 

I was discharged after only 24 hours and was ready to go. I was feeling pretty healthy and could walk around; didn't like the nurse interruptions when we tried to sleep. And we'd decided no visits at the hospital, so I wanted to start the meet & greets as soon as we could. 

Am realizing just now that my entire hospital stay was shorter than the time that my friends were laboring in the hospital which is...nuts. 

So 8:15 pm delivery on a Sunday, home by 11:30 pm Monday. Bublet met her grandmother right away, her big brother Tuesday morning, and my dad and siblings came by on Tuesday. 

The Babymoon

Babymoon usually describes a couple taking a last romantic trip before they become parents. But the doulas describe an older meaning, where the mom & baby bond in the early days of their new relationship. 

We're one week in and I'm understanding the joy and peace that is possible during this time, that I was too anxious to experience with my first baby. 

It's lovely to just have slow days together. I would like a bit more night sleep, but even that is not making me anxious the way it did last time. I'm getting by so much better than expected. 

My SIL had a baby 7 weeks before mine, and I was worried because she seemed so... fine. I thought she must be in deep denial or hiding her struggles, but now I think I get it. 

I also think the newborn phase will fly by even faster this second time. Her almost-2-month old seems so big and different already! 

Today, at the one week mark, I set up the 529 during a night feeding, and after an afternoon nap, cooked dinner! 

Bublet is a sweet and pretty chill baby. She eats a lot, but has started doing naps up to 3 hours (usually after some cluster feeding). We get a few alert "daytime playtimes" with her, for tummy time or a first bath. She rarely fusses when not hungry, and is fine sleeping in her bassinets. 

I have some distant fears like what happens when Mr. Cat goes back to work, and I'm lonelier and getting less sleep? 

Will the novelty wear off and I feel bored and trapped? 

What happens when I go back to work and miss the baby and have to start pumping &/ formula? 

Will I get PPD when I wean or reduce breastfeeding? 

Am I enjoying this time enough? 

But in the moment I am so smitten and love getting to know this new baby. I feel like we've come so far in the first week, hitting all those biological milestones. Her poops changing from meconium to regular, my milk coming in, the feedings slowly spacing out, the engorgement going away. My nipples are less sore, and her muscle control over latching is getting better. 

I feel very surrounded in love; Mr. Cat is here all the time, happy to support me and eager for his chance to hold the baby when she's not eating. 

My family and some friends have come by, all very helpful to bring food. 

And the almost 2 year old big brother has handled the change well. He's pretty content to just see me in passing and let do everything for him (and get attention from any visitor we may have). Thank God for daycare, so we get some leisurely weekdays and then practice the new pace on the weekends. 

I can't believe how well breastfeeding is going after last time. Bublet latched in the hospital and it never really hurt. There's some soreness at the start, but nothing bleeding or cracked on me. She's pretty patient and persistent whenever we've had to reset the latch, and that happens less with each passing day. 

On day 4, we'd had two nights of cluster feeding, I was getting a bit discouraged about the lack of sleep. How much longer would I need to sleep in 40 min stretches? Couldn't I have a 3 hour block in there somewhere? 

Two big things happened that day to encourage me to power through. 

First, we went to the pediatrician, and learned that Bublet had gained 5 oz in 2 days (normal is more like 1-2 oz). I laughed and teared up with joy and relief. All that feeding was paying off! 

Second, I told Mr. Cat that I was taking an actual nap. We had some formula, and he could give her an ounce and I did not think this would ruin the whole experiment. But if I was going to breastfeed for months, I needed an escape clause. And my milk was not in enough to pump a bottle yet. 

I napped about 3 hours and so did Bublet. I felt so much better after the rest, and was relieved to learn that we had not needed to use the formula. 

That night, I was able to pump an ounce. I pumped again in the day, and the next night slept a few hours while Mr. Cat bottle fed the baby. This was just shy of a week which is earlier than recommended to introduce bottles, but I felt instinctively sure that it would be ok. And indeed she took the bottle no problem, and went right back to breastfeeding. My rest was only a few hours so supply wasn't affected.

 

I'm so so relieved to have this option for rest (and eventual doctor's appointments or fun outings!) And I appreciated his support for even my formula nap plan. I kept saying, I'm not trying to earn a breastfeeding gold star, I'm trying to find a rhythm that works for everyone. 

But I appreciate the small miracle of avoiding that formula; now I feel confident that we can make it to at least the start of daycare exclusively breastfed. 

And honestly, it is more convenient to breastfeed (now that I have an escape valve for my sleep). We're not constantly washing bottles, or running for a refill, or guessing how many to mix or pack, or should be throw it out. 

It's also a nice surprise that I enjoy breastfeeding as much as I do. It doesn't hurt, I like getting to sit and hold my baby and feel her soft hair, and be on my phone. Now that we have a solution for my sleep, I like it even better. And I am getting these "happy sappy" hormones that are helping me enjoy this time so much. From everything I'd heard, I expected best case it would be something that I dutifully powered through. 

The second kid is also a bit easier. We know a lot and don't overthink how to do things. Diaper changes and baths seem simple after a toddler. And I'm glad I had the harder experience first - NICU + breastfeeding struggles + a worse tear. So I was expecting that again and have been pleasantly surprised; would have been rough to go in reverse, start off confident with number 2 and then hit random obstacles. 

Overall feeling very lucky. Glad I get to experience this, but am still thinking, never again! 

37 weeks

 I'm definitely feeling in the home stretch of this pregnancy now. 

It's been Too Hot and I've been Large & Slow & Tired for awhile, but this is a new level. 

• If I stay on my feet for any amount of time, I start having Braxton-Hicks and dull cramping. Have been using the belly band at times. 
• My hips are constantly sore, and I can't really sit on the ground anymore. 
• The mental spaciness has begun; I drop things, have gotten worse at parking, can't focus or recall words. 
• I feel less existential or big picture anxiety. Alternating between chilling and nesting - running around the house organizing the "baby stations." 

At my 36 week checkup, they found I was 1 cm dilated and 50% effaced. That was a week ago, so I no longer think I'm about to go into labor any second. But I do wonder if this means baby 2 will come before 40 weeks, or my early labor may go a bit faster. Or maybe it means nothing at all. 

Being able to sleep in and nap when needed has helped a lot, and I am scared to be thrust back into the no sleep days of a newborn (plus now having an early rising active toddler). 

I hope it will be easier in some ways this time - I may start out more confident & with more supplies; I have more friends with babies to talk to; I know that is does in fact get easier and more fun as the months go on. 

But I'm worried that we'll somehow get a worse sleeper, a colicky fussy baby, some health issues, that would make the experience harder last time. I hope Mr. Cat will get at least some telework days because that was super helpful last time.

And of course I'm experiencing dual anxieties, where I worry about both versions of the future. 

I hope this baby comes soon, I'm tired of being pregnant and as ready as I'm gonna be.

+

I need more time to tie up loose ends at work, to organize the supplies and stock the fridge & freezer, to enjoy being a family of 3. 

What if I have another long labor? Will I survive the exhaustion? 

+ 
What if this labor happens SO FAST that we don't leave on time? 

What if this baby also refuses to breastfeed? 

+ 
What if I actually hate breastfeeding and want to quit but can't decide? 

+
What if this baby is sensitive and can't take formula, so I can never sleep and starting daycare is much harder? 

What if this baby also has a NICU stay? How would we logistically handle that with another little kid at home and one car? What kind of wrinkles will the pandemic introduce? 

+ 
What if I'm rooming with this baby and never get to sleep / recover from delivery? 

How do we decide if me + the new baby or the Bub at home with grandparents needs Mr. Cat's presence more? Is he allowed to go back and forth in the pandemic? 

My SIL has a 3 week old baby and seems to be having a great time of it. She's tired and feeling cooped up in the house, but seems so calm and confident. Her baby nurses like a champ and sleeps well some nights. It gives me some hope that not everyone has a horror story or more than they can handle. 

Despite the constant physical reminders, it still seems surreal that I am about to have this baby. This year has been adjusting to the season for outside time, the waning & waxing risk of pandemic, Bub's growing up into new activities, Mr. Cat's in-office requirements. The pregnancy has been there for all of it, and it's weird that the biggest change yet will be here soon. 

Here we go again?

So many memes that 2020 would be a uniquely bad year, so much hope for 2021, and yet off to a rocky start. 

We had an attempted coup last week, the covid pandemic is setting new records, and now I might have an unplanned pregnancy. 

Dec 24 - my fertility chart predicted I ovulated (earlier, the prediction was Dec 18). 
Dec 28 - we have sex.
Jan 2 - I have an unusual rage meltdown, after a long day out when Inigo won't go to sleep. 
Jan 6 - A bunch of randos take over the US Capitol building. 
Jan 7 - I have unusual weariness and dull stomach pain; I take the day off work. Not sure if it's repressed anxiety about current events or maybe extra bad PMS? 
Jan 8 - My period is supposed to start. It does not. 
Jan 9 - Still the dull stomach ache. I look at my chart again and wonder if I ovulated later and got pregnant. Start experiencing acute anxiety. 
Jan 10 - Take a pregnancy test in the morning; it shows up negative which surprised me. Should I wait a few more days? Did I not pee on the stick enough? Is my cycle extra out of whack? Is something more serious wrong? 

And here we are. I hate how my stomach is tense and then I keep thinking that I'm definitely pregnant and then my heart rate spikes and my stomach gets more tense and then I am paralyzed with fear & anger, unable to sleep or relax or do anything productive. 
I had forgotten (from 2016) how physically wearying anxiety is. But now there is a small human to take care of, so I can only lie about and wallow for so long. 

The darkest thought I'm having right now is that maybe I'll have a miscarriage or an ectopic pregnancy or something and that would be for the best. Then, I could take a week to recover and heal myself and it would be deserved. I'd take the time off work, my mom would come over to give Lorenzo a break and bring food. I'd sleep through the night. 
I can't choose that much self-care if I'm pregnant - just gotta suck up what I need for the next two years. 

Here are reasons that I am not happy about this (likely) pregnancy: 
--It's too soon. I'm not ready to have a baby.
I am just starting to enjoy a work/life balance - The Bub is at a great age, eats all kinds of real food, sleeps well when he's not teething, has a predictable schedule, is getting better at entertaining himself. It's less exhausting to take him places. But this is all two steps forward, one step back. He is still a very hands-on kid and it's hard to imagine having 2 under 2. 
I found a guiltfree balance of work, home tasks, Inigo time, fun and rest. I work hard but I'm not burned out. 

--It starts now. I'm not just scared of the intense fall & winter ahead of us, I am already starting to feel more weary and mood swingy, hungry but don't know what to eat. I'll be doing work and toddler parenting and getting ready for #2 feeling kicked down a notch. I had enough energy to get through the day when I was not pregnant, I don't want to do it in harder mode. 

--I was not sure I wanted to have another biological child ever. I love The Bub, especially as a 1 year old. But I did not enjoy the journey to this destination. I don't want to go through 9 months of pregnancy, recovery from childbirth, figuring out feeding, sleep deprivation, introducing solids, figuring out nap times & if it's worth it to do sleep training...I am facing down a long marathon still shaken from the last one. 
I also wanted a few years to see if the indicators of doom will continue to lurch downward or cycle back, before I decide to bring another child into the world. The vaccine is rolling out, so the pandemic will end. I have no idea if/how coups will continue. Climate change is scaring me the most - I hoped for some reasons for optimism, politically or technologically, before I decided to bring another child into the world.
I was feeling more certain about adoption as time continued. 

--This dumbass pandemic is still going on. Who all will be vaccinated by September? Should I get the vaccine as a pregnant lady? (I say yes bc I got the flu shot while pregnant in 2019, but idk if medical care providers will agree.) Will we have help when the baby comes or is that still unsafe? Will everyone have forgotten we exist? 
I don't really know how to go through the public world with a toddler, how will I learn with a toddler + baby? 

--This "unplanned" pregnancy is 100% my fault. I am the one who wanted to trust NFP and who was doing this charting and somehow made a mistake. I feel guilt and shame and rage and no one to blame but myself. 

--I feel embarrassed going back to work and friends and asking for more "favors." I've told enough people that I don't want #2 anytime soon, so who will wonder if this was unplanned? Will I be convincingly happy when we share the news? 

--The finances. Oh god. We are barely breaking even with single day care and now we'll have to do double for YEARS which I specifically wanted to avoid. 

--What if this baby is harder? What if he has colic or refuses to be put down or has digestive trouble? What if he & The Bub never ever sleep the same hours so we can't get a break? Having one newborn seems so easy in retrospect and I remember how hard that was. 

--I feel inadequate having this fears and needing help later. Many women get left home with a newborn and a toddler a few days after birth and...that's their life til kindergarten. Even Mr. Cat's leave and daycare and helpful grandmothers will be some big assists and it makes me feel bad that I'll have so much help and still struggle. 

--I am surprised to learn that I am desperate to keep my job and not be a stay-at-home mom. This is not what I thought I wanted even a few years ago, so I don't know if I'm just scared or have changed my mind based on what I learned, but it seems almost like I'm being selfish and not living with my values (even though financially and timewise it is logical for me to stay at work, especially with the flexibility of my current job). 

Here are some silver linings: 

--We are no longer in crisis / survival mode with a new baby or with work from home, so maybe it's a fine time to have another? I have 9 months to get used to the idea, while I savor being a family of three. The Bub will be much less like a baby in September, for better or worse. 

--One idea that brought me comfort last time was picturing all the people in my life who'd build a relationship with my first kid. That will happen again, and most of all, I'd get to see The Bub shine in his role as big brother and the new little one look up to him and that will be a joy. It's hard to stay depressed for long with The Bub around (even though he is annoying and tiring) so I may feel less lonely than last time - he's such a social person now, and he's getting more self-sufficient at feeding himself and playing every day.

--It might be easier this time. We have the supplies, we read all the books, we have all that hands-on knowledge. The change from 0 to 1 kids is bigger than 1 to 2. I won't have to DO as much to get ready this time. At least I have proof that everything (the first trimester, the not sleeping, the baby who won't be left alone) will someday end. 

--Being home during the pregnancy will be great. First trimester last time I flew and presented at two conferences and it was exhausting and terrifying. There were social times I stayed up too late and tried to hide how off I felt. This time, it will be much easier to puke / snack / nap / veg where I am. The telework may outweigh the toddler in terms of taking care of myself. 

--Many people choose to have kids this close in age (and at least it's not sooner? We started having sex again in March). They can largely share toys and outings and hopefully stay close as they grow up. The baby supplies haven't been all given away. No one else will know this was a mistake. Maybe I can pretend this was my idea (it was my idea to "let God plan my family"...) I had good support last time, everyone will probably be happy for us again. Even the work part may be less stressful, since I've proven that I can be a solid worker right up til delivery and hit the ground running when I return. The physical and financial stress will be real, but then it will be over. We could be all done forever. Older kids in 40s, empty nester in 50s...there is a glimmer of hope. 

--I will be able to do things like library programs and playdates and going inside (!?) that I have not yet really experienced. Several of my friends have had kids in the meantime + the end of the pandemic may make this less lonely. I can also talk to these friends for advice if Kid 2 does things differently than Inigo. 

--Labor feels a lot less scary (hopefully I also get lucky again with an uncomplicated delivery). If I had to do the same one over again, I know I could - plus the second time might be shorter and I'll likely get an epidural for the final part. I'll be more confident that I am reading the signs correctly of any day now, this is early, this is active (again, assuming it feels largely the same). 

--Mr. Cat is feeling optimistic, so at least I haven't let him down, and I can borrow his strength. He is so wholesome, is much more worried about my anxiety than about the pregnancy. We wanted #2 someway somehow. I am curious to see how another DNA combo will turn out. 

--I will learn to be gentler & let more things go & find strength that impresses me. It will be hard but I can do hard things. Time to set aside Pride and find Wonder & Awe. 

--The Bub will likely stay in school for my maternity leave, so chunks of my time with the baby may be as peaceful as last time. I will not be signing up for toddler + baby indefinitely (as my mom did). 

--I have decided that when this is over, I'm getting a copper IUD. 6 years of marriage, 4 pregnancies, 2 of them unplanned. It's time to try something new. IUDs are effective though not 100% and do have some side effects, but it's worth a try. I like that they are hormone free and easy to reverse (seems better than the pill or a vasectomy). I feel at peace with this decision. Maybe this makes me a Bad Catholic, but I can always change my mind later? I've done the whole let God plan your family and it has made me extremely anxious at all times. Our sex happens rarely and I'm often worried / not in the mood / trying to fit in into a safe day. This is a ray of hope at the end. 

Work Life "Balance" in 2020

This family has had two parents working from home full-time since Memorial day, over two months ago, with a baby at home 24/7. 

Some things have gotten easier : 

• The Bub is on a meal & nap schedule most days, and often sleeps through the night.
• We are organized & flexible with a whiteboard showing shifts, meetings, baby tasks, errands, and social Zooms.
• After our state lifted the harshest lockdown restrictions, my mom has come over 1 afternoon a week to help out if we are double booked or extra busy. 
• I have become fiercely determined to single-task only and keep to-do lists for work and home, so my brain can get through the day and not too much slips forgotten through the cracks. 

Some things have gotten harder: 

• The novelty and adrenaline is wearing off and a serious burnout is weighing on me. Most days I either sleep 10 hours or cry or feel lightheaded from a stress spiral. 
• I've forgotten how to relax - taking the baby for a walk, showering, and sleeping feel great. So does doing yoga while I watch him, playing a podcast while I do dishes. But true downtime, doing something fun for me? I don't even know what I want to do, what I could do without feeling guilty for wasting that time.
• Knowing that we could start day care any time - that we have more choice than public school parents - makes me worry about professionalism and the patience of my coworkers. 
• The Bub has become mobile and social, more like a small boy than a lump. It's harder to multitask while watching him or leave him unattended for a couple minutes. He sometimes fusses and reaches for me when I run from office to kitchen during my work time. I think he's starting to get bored never leaving the house (between quarantine, heat waves, and the pace of the workweek, we're limited to grandparents dropping in and early Saturdays at the park). 
• Work is picking up - we both have more projects and more meetings. 

Today, Mr. Cat took the baby to see family in Reston while I stayed home to work and I felt different within about 90 minutes. I don't have to think about the baby, just work (and dishes and laundry). There's a big difference between someone else watching him in the house (texting me questions, I'm keeping in mind if his schedule alters or where he's already played a lot that day). Today, when I took a 30 minute break I didn't feel guilty that I should be instead stepping in to baby duty so Mr. Cat could have his turn to work. I can be a great parent and a great worker, but not both at the same time. Even rapid switching is hard - my brain is just too full and I can't escape the guilt and dread. I need more days like today. 

Even though this country does not have coronavirus under control, our state is doing well, and our county is one of the best in the state. We are planning to start daycare in about one month and I cannot wait. The school has been open throughout and has had no known cases and reasonable policies in place. I've seen the "pod" model of the smaller private schools held up as a safe example in contrast to the larger public schools with crowded halls and changing classes. 

I wish I could have "normal" working mom with a baby problems. One person asked me when I was going to have my second and I'm like !? I don't even really know what it's like to have one in the world. 



I knew day care would have big feelings - will he be happy? will he be scared? will he get enough attention? will he be able to nap and eat in a new place? what if he cries when I leave? 
But now there's a layer of, I hope no one I know dies alone on a ventilator because I'm making this choice. I never wanted to be a catastrophizing paren; I want to be logical and acknowledge that we all make choices with some risk every day. 

I knew the days would be long, but I never imagined working multiple fulltime jobs at once. At least we've done this long enough that I feel sure there is not a better way - I can't work harder or be more organized than I already am. My work laid off 50 people in June; if I try to reduce my hours I don't know if I'll have a fulltime job to return to. I could take more unpaid FMLA leave, but if we don't start now what are we waiting for? A vaccine? We can't do this for years - I'll have a mental breakdown and the Bub will increasingly need experiences and socializing beyond his distracted parents and his home. 

I know working moms faced judgment, but I feel like I'm in a don't ask, don't tell/classified need to know basis with daycare. I never know who in my life will be horrified, or "helpfully" want to brainstorm alternatives (as though I haven't been doing that for months). 

Maybe I should take a moment to acknowledge silver linings.

• We had so much family time during a time when the Bub changed every day - new games, new skills, reasons to laugh. It's helped us be equally involved parents and to occasionally sit down to a meal together. 
• I'm glad that Bub is on a nap & meal schedule before he goes elsewhere for the days - I took data for weeks to track what his natural patterns were, which would have been hard if we'd been apart. 
• We introduced all kinds of food including all allergens at home, making it easier to send him to school with packed snacks. 
• Bub is old enough that he spends much of the day playing rather than being physically tended to. He loves to explore new places and warms up to new people (eventually). I can picture day care being actually fun for him and good for his development, which would have been harder to believe even a few months ago. 
• Since both parents are working from home for the foreseeable future, he won't have as many hours away from us. I'm picturing 10-3 or 9-4 most days, with mornings and evenings together. And we may start him just 4 days a week and keep the current chaos for Fridays which tend to be slower workdays - less money and more time together. 
  
  

Perhaps most important we have some perspective:

• Our challenges are real but we are lucky to be healthy and employed.
• This has made our marriage stronger, we really leaned on each other and got through it together.
• Future "busy times" may not seem so bad.
• Lots of life seems more optional and arbitrary now - we can say no to drive far away or socialize if we're tired.
• I can log off work at 3 and check back around 7. It's ok if I ignore my eamil for 3 hours at a time, no one dies or is angry with me. I can on occasion work while the Bub is home sick. 
  
  

If we can get through this year what can't we do? (Please don't take that as a challenge 2021.) 

Love in the Time of Corona

I've had a lot of existential fear about climate change since the Bub was born. Realizing that he'll be young in 2050 and probably alive in 2100, and there was a slew of dire new headlines in the first months of his life, and sometimes I'd read one at 3am and spiral into despair, and I feel both a helpless victim and a complicit rich person using more than my share of resources...

But then a different Horseman of the apocalypse arrived - coronavirus, covid-19. And in some ways getting down to business & dealing with the changes of life is easier than waiting for the ax to fall. I suppose there may be additional axes both this year and this century, but the way that we're all adapting & getting by & looking out for each other is a good confidence booster.

It reminds me that the future is always different than what we expect. That helps me with dread sometimes; it's hard to believe Everything Will Work Out, but easier to believe that while we all worry about one apocalypse (robot overlords) a totally different one sneaks in unnoticed (social media bubbles of conspiracy theories).

Of course it helps a lot that the biggest change for me so far is not to go to war or exist on starvation rations or work on a chain gang or nearly die in a makeshift hospital bed, but to stay at home, which is an activity I pretty much enjoy. I feel sad about some of the things we're missing - our anniversary date, seeing the cherry blossoms, doing anything for my birthday, hosting Easter, having the baptism, working at the library (or even getting an email there's a new book to pick up).
Some of the activities others can do, like drive out & take hikes or bike rides, won't work for us because we can't have the grandparents over to watch the baby.
It makes me sad that many people will see less of him as he grows and changes. And a bit concerned that he'll be spending so much time in the house with only his parents - how will he take going to daycare? But this is a reminder that the future is never written and to just be grateful for today.

I feel lucky, like I was uniquely situated to have this pandemic come at a great time in my life. The very week that I planned to return to some remote work for my job, even while watching the baby, suddenly every white collar worker is thrust into telework while watching their kids. Instead of feeling I had to act like my old self, I brought the baby to our conference call and brightened everyone's day.
Mr. Cat is teleworking indefinitely. Bub & I see him throughout the day and we have longer evenings & mornings together. We're catching up on sleep. It's much better than the exhausted evening hustle that was the 6 weeks or so that he was working & commuting and I was home.
Because of the baby and the maternity leave, I have very few cancelled plans. No trips were coming up and I rarely went to restaurants these days anyway. In some ways it's frustrating to have social distancing start right when I was trying to rejoin life. But I was already living my life where the grocery store was the big exciting trip out once or twice a week, and now everyone is on my level.

I am grateful now that we had so many visitors in the winter, and that I did the silly things like library story time and stroller workout class and parish mom's group even though he was too young and I was tired. I'm glad that I was selfish on the weekends and went to the rec center, the movie theater, the Quaker service, coffee with my sister, because who knows when those things will happen again.
I am grateful that we were not in the hospital while they were overextended and restricting visitors.
I am grateful that my baby is young enough to be a joy who has no idea the world has changed. He doesn't miss his friends or want to go to the playground or need to do homework. He's happy as can be to stay home with his parents.
I am grateful this is not the year we planned our wedding or a move or a big vacation (or even one of my more fun work trips).
I am grateful we can work from home and earn enough money.
I am grateful we have a nice big enough house with a yard and safe streets to walk a couple times a day. I am grateful this didn't happen during our courtship or during the years when I was living 3 adults to a 2 bedroom, or living with my parents.

Mostly I feel grateful to have a healthy functional loving little family. There are no two people I'd rather be quarantined with. And honestly two adults home all the time is just about the right pace to keep up with baby care, cooking, the house, and the real job. We can chat & watch tv in the evenings, go for a walk, not always be desperate to collapse into bed. What a special time with our small baby.

In some ways, I feel more socialized than the past couple weeks. Mr. Cat is home with me; people are chatting online more ; my book club and community theater squad that I couldn't see in person anymore are starting to have virtual meetups. What a silver lining for me, but also a word of caution about how easy it is to feel isolated as a new mom. (If I was more extraverted, or planning to be home & not work indefinitely, I probably would have tried harder to make mom friends. It seem like a waste of effort when I was tired and about to go back to work anyway.)

And I was a couple weeks ahead of everyone else to adapting psychologically to never leaving your house. I developed daily and weekly rituals of tasks & fun breaks, to keep myself sane and keep track of what day it was. It used to be just me - morning mail check, midday meditation, afternoon yoga, evening walk. Wednesday laundry, Saturday sterilize the bottles, Sunday turn the compost.

But now it's more fun - I video my sister during yoga, and Mr Cat comes for the walks. My family has dinner Sundays, book club meets Wednesdays. My team meeting on Thursday mornings is more social & everyone turns their video on which we never used to.

I honestly don't know what we'd do before the internet. Work & socializing are much more possible, as is keeping up with information - stats from the CDC and info about what's closing, but also seeing cool ideas that other people are trying and jokes that will get us through. 

Say No to Dread

I had an extra heaping of anxiety while pregnant because it seemed to be that some of the experienced parents I knew, or read articles by, wanted me to be FULL OF DREAD.

To be fair my brain is known to take neutral information and turn it into dread. But I think this is also a cultural moment where parents love to complain about their suffering and choose to scare the uninitiated.

So I'd say that if a source is making you feel dread you should ignore them because no one knows what your experience will be like.

I was told that I would DEFINITELY FOR SURE - get insomnia in the third trimester ; forget how much labor hurt ; resent my husband. And those things did not happen.

Some of the hard things that I was warned about - sleeping less and the mood swings and the extra work - I've adapted to faster than I expected.

Some of the hard things that did happen were completely unexpected - the NICU stay, the amount of pumping I did in the first month.

Your experience will be your own, no one can predict exactly how it will go and how you'll cope.

To be charitable, I think that maybe some people are trying to "keep it real"? Maybe they went into parenthood very naive, expecting to just continue their old life but with a baby in tow, so now they want to warn others but they kind of overdo it?
I talked to one woman a few years older than me who thought she'd spend her 6 week maternity leave learning a new language and scrapbooking. She's now on her third kid, but had quite a reality check with the first.

But the takeaway message should be - everyone finds this hard, you're not alone or doing it wrong. It is a big change to your body, your relationship, your priorities, how you spend your time.  Be patient with yourself. Ask for help. Set reasonable expectations (as in, every one is alive at the end of the day).

Pregnancy is scary & tiring enough without believing that the worst is yet to come. It's a different kind of challenge now, but it's not all bad. The end of the pregnancy symptoms is a relief; being on this side of childbirth is a relief; and it's really fun to get to know your baby.