Here we go again?

So many memes that 2020 would be a uniquely bad year, so much hope for 2021, and yet off to a rocky start. 

We had an attempted coup last week, the covid pandemic is setting new records, and now I might have an unplanned pregnancy. 

Dec 24 - my fertility chart predicted I ovulated (earlier, the prediction was Dec 18). 
Dec 28 - we have sex.
Jan 2 - I have an unusual rage meltdown, after a long day out when Inigo won't go to sleep. 
Jan 6 - A bunch of randos take over the US Capitol building. 
Jan 7 - I have unusual weariness and dull stomach pain; I take the day off work. Not sure if it's repressed anxiety about current events or maybe extra bad PMS? 
Jan 8 - My period is supposed to start. It does not. 
Jan 9 - Still the dull stomach ache. I look at my chart again and wonder if I ovulated later and got pregnant. Start experiencing acute anxiety. 
Jan 10 - Take a pregnancy test in the morning; it shows up negative which surprised me. Should I wait a few more days? Did I not pee on the stick enough? Is my cycle extra out of whack? Is something more serious wrong? 

And here we are. I hate how my stomach is tense and then I keep thinking that I'm definitely pregnant and then my heart rate spikes and my stomach gets more tense and then I am paralyzed with fear & anger, unable to sleep or relax or do anything productive. 
I had forgotten (from 2016) how physically wearying anxiety is. But now there is a small human to take care of, so I can only lie about and wallow for so long. 

The darkest thought I'm having right now is that maybe I'll have a miscarriage or an ectopic pregnancy or something and that would be for the best. Then, I could take a week to recover and heal myself and it would be deserved. I'd take the time off work, my mom would come over to give Lorenzo a break and bring food. I'd sleep through the night. 
I can't choose that much self-care if I'm pregnant - just gotta suck up what I need for the next two years. 

Here are reasons that I am not happy about this (likely) pregnancy: 
--It's too soon. I'm not ready to have a baby.
I am just starting to enjoy a work/life balance - The Bub is at a great age, eats all kinds of real food, sleeps well when he's not teething, has a predictable schedule, is getting better at entertaining himself. It's less exhausting to take him places. But this is all two steps forward, one step back. He is still a very hands-on kid and it's hard to imagine having 2 under 2. 
I found a guiltfree balance of work, home tasks, Inigo time, fun and rest. I work hard but I'm not burned out. 

--It starts now. I'm not just scared of the intense fall & winter ahead of us, I am already starting to feel more weary and mood swingy, hungry but don't know what to eat. I'll be doing work and toddler parenting and getting ready for #2 feeling kicked down a notch. I had enough energy to get through the day when I was not pregnant, I don't want to do it in harder mode. 

--I was not sure I wanted to have another biological child ever. I love The Bub, especially as a 1 year old. But I did not enjoy the journey to this destination. I don't want to go through 9 months of pregnancy, recovery from childbirth, figuring out feeding, sleep deprivation, introducing solids, figuring out nap times & if it's worth it to do sleep training...I am facing down a long marathon still shaken from the last one. 
I also wanted a few years to see if the indicators of doom will continue to lurch downward or cycle back, before I decide to bring another child into the world. The vaccine is rolling out, so the pandemic will end. I have no idea if/how coups will continue. Climate change is scaring me the most - I hoped for some reasons for optimism, politically or technologically, before I decided to bring another child into the world.
I was feeling more certain about adoption as time continued. 

--This dumbass pandemic is still going on. Who all will be vaccinated by September? Should I get the vaccine as a pregnant lady? (I say yes bc I got the flu shot while pregnant in 2019, but idk if medical care providers will agree.) Will we have help when the baby comes or is that still unsafe? Will everyone have forgotten we exist? 
I don't really know how to go through the public world with a toddler, how will I learn with a toddler + baby? 

--This "unplanned" pregnancy is 100% my fault. I am the one who wanted to trust NFP and who was doing this charting and somehow made a mistake. I feel guilt and shame and rage and no one to blame but myself. 

--I feel embarrassed going back to work and friends and asking for more "favors." I've told enough people that I don't want #2 anytime soon, so who will wonder if this was unplanned? Will I be convincingly happy when we share the news? 

--The finances. Oh god. We are barely breaking even with single day care and now we'll have to do double for YEARS which I specifically wanted to avoid. 

--What if this baby is harder? What if he has colic or refuses to be put down or has digestive trouble? What if he & The Bub never ever sleep the same hours so we can't get a break? Having one newborn seems so easy in retrospect and I remember how hard that was. 

--I feel inadequate having this fears and needing help later. Many women get left home with a newborn and a toddler a few days after birth and...that's their life til kindergarten. Even Mr. Cat's leave and daycare and helpful grandmothers will be some big assists and it makes me feel bad that I'll have so much help and still struggle. 

--I am surprised to learn that I am desperate to keep my job and not be a stay-at-home mom. This is not what I thought I wanted even a few years ago, so I don't know if I'm just scared or have changed my mind based on what I learned, but it seems almost like I'm being selfish and not living with my values (even though financially and timewise it is logical for me to stay at work, especially with the flexibility of my current job). 

Here are some silver linings: 

--We are no longer in crisis / survival mode with a new baby or with work from home, so maybe it's a fine time to have another? I have 9 months to get used to the idea, while I savor being a family of three. The Bub will be much less like a baby in September, for better or worse. 

--One idea that brought me comfort last time was picturing all the people in my life who'd build a relationship with my first kid. That will happen again, and most of all, I'd get to see The Bub shine in his role as big brother and the new little one look up to him and that will be a joy. It's hard to stay depressed for long with The Bub around (even though he is annoying and tiring) so I may feel less lonely than last time - he's such a social person now, and he's getting more self-sufficient at feeding himself and playing every day.

--It might be easier this time. We have the supplies, we read all the books, we have all that hands-on knowledge. The change from 0 to 1 kids is bigger than 1 to 2. I won't have to DO as much to get ready this time. At least I have proof that everything (the first trimester, the not sleeping, the baby who won't be left alone) will someday end. 

--Being home during the pregnancy will be great. First trimester last time I flew and presented at two conferences and it was exhausting and terrifying. There were social times I stayed up too late and tried to hide how off I felt. This time, it will be much easier to puke / snack / nap / veg where I am. The telework may outweigh the toddler in terms of taking care of myself. 

--Many people choose to have kids this close in age (and at least it's not sooner? We started having sex again in March). They can largely share toys and outings and hopefully stay close as they grow up. The baby supplies haven't been all given away. No one else will know this was a mistake. Maybe I can pretend this was my idea (it was my idea to "let God plan my family"...) I had good support last time, everyone will probably be happy for us again. Even the work part may be less stressful, since I've proven that I can be a solid worker right up til delivery and hit the ground running when I return. The physical and financial stress will be real, but then it will be over. We could be all done forever. Older kids in 40s, empty nester in 50s...there is a glimmer of hope. 

--I will be able to do things like library programs and playdates and going inside (!?) that I have not yet really experienced. Several of my friends have had kids in the meantime + the end of the pandemic may make this less lonely. I can also talk to these friends for advice if Kid 2 does things differently than Inigo. 

--Labor feels a lot less scary (hopefully I also get lucky again with an uncomplicated delivery). If I had to do the same one over again, I know I could - plus the second time might be shorter and I'll likely get an epidural for the final part. I'll be more confident that I am reading the signs correctly of any day now, this is early, this is active (again, assuming it feels largely the same). 

--Mr. Cat is feeling optimistic, so at least I haven't let him down, and I can borrow his strength. He is so wholesome, is much more worried about my anxiety than about the pregnancy. We wanted #2 someway somehow. I am curious to see how another DNA combo will turn out. 

--I will learn to be gentler & let more things go & find strength that impresses me. It will be hard but I can do hard things. Time to set aside Pride and find Wonder & Awe. 

--The Bub will likely stay in school for my maternity leave, so chunks of my time with the baby may be as peaceful as last time. I will not be signing up for toddler + baby indefinitely (as my mom did). 

--I have decided that when this is over, I'm getting a copper IUD. 6 years of marriage, 4 pregnancies, 2 of them unplanned. It's time to try something new. IUDs are effective though not 100% and do have some side effects, but it's worth a try. I like that they are hormone free and easy to reverse (seems better than the pill or a vasectomy). I feel at peace with this decision. Maybe this makes me a Bad Catholic, but I can always change my mind later? I've done the whole let God plan your family and it has made me extremely anxious at all times. Our sex happens rarely and I'm often worried / not in the mood / trying to fit in into a safe day. This is a ray of hope at the end.