That's ok. Whenever I put a connection into words, it sounds very simple and obvious. I guess there's something to be said for really feeling the truth of something, instead of just hearing a truism.
Found out this week I was pregnant, when the week before I had decided it was time to go to counseling to see if I'd ever be ready to try again.
At first there was a lot of panic and self-blame - what if my body and mental health aren't ready for this? Why didn't I wait longer? Why don't I feel brave and hopeful about this? But now I wonder if waiting longer would have even helped, maybe it would have been harder.
After leaving an unpleasant work trip to a dreary Cleveland, my mood and energy have been surprisingly stable. I've noticed uncharacteristically Zen thoughts & words. And in the spirit of this Zen, I want to write them down for my future self, because I can't assume that this newfound attitude will last forever.
Even in this first trimester phase, there are a lot of uncertainties. Will I suddenly start bleeding at home, like the first time? Will I get bad news from the doctor, like the second time? Will I make it to delivery and postpartum, and find that this is hardest of all?
It is so obvious and yet so inaccessible at times - all these outcomes won't come true. And in this moment, NONE of them are happening. This helps me feel grateful for the moment I'm in - there's no medical emergency right now. And that is all I know.
I also worry about the mundane trials of first trimester, like getting nauseous or extra tired or other complications, and not being able to explain why I'm "off." But again, in this moment, I can be grateful that I feel well enough to go about my life.
I went back to the therapist I saw for GAD 3 years ago. Some nice reminders from her:
- Be gentle with yourself. Eat and rest when you need to. Say no to social obligations. It's normal to be scared, so don't beat yourself up about this. Tell white lies to protect your privacy.
- I am very focused on the negatives. Remember there may be joyful parts too. Even in the first trimester, it's been fun to have a secret with Lorenzo. And eating produce and cheese is a transcendent experience. (Maybe emotional vulnerability is like physical hunger; it's awkward and inconvenient to be that frail, but it also means you can relish the little things.)
- I don't have to know everything and do everything by myself OR all at once.
One common idea from general anxiety CBT is to beware of "should" statements.
The first hurdle is how you talk about yourself - I should be more brave, I should be more hopeful. (Which doesnt make it true, just is hard on yourself.)
I think the next level is Should-ing reality - I shouldn't have to go through this again, and I can't handle it. But if I accept that those statements are false, the uncertainty of life becomes easy to bear.
If it happens again - it will be sad. it will feel unfair. it will be hard work to recover.
But if i say that it Shouldn't happen, that just adds a burden to myself, to try to will reality to be something that i can't control, and then to try to explain to myself how it could happen again.
And if I say I can't handle it....I already know that's false.
I don't want to have to handle it.
But if it happens... it happens. There is literally nothing that i can do to stop it, but its also freeing to recognize there is nothing I can do to make it go better or worse.
I can get through it because...I have to. My body will be present, it's as simple as that. There is nothing I have to do to prepare, and there is nothing I have to do in that moment if it happens.
Kind of scary, but also kind of uncomplicated.
If improvement is not possible, then improvement is not necessary!
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