Dread

After two losses, I can say that the dread was the worst part.

The first time happened so fast, that it was mostly whiplash.
Dread set in next - what happens to me now? Will I sink into a depression? And if not, does that mean I'm destined to be a horrible mother? Will I ever have kids? I feel so relieved right now - how will I know when it's time to try again?

The second time, the grief and physical pain were again real and difficult. But the dread was the worst part. The days I was waiting for the D&C ; when I had to call my mom to break the news ; every time I spotted at the start and waited for the ax to fall ; imagining living through the weeks of uncertainty again and again.

A work situation also taught me this about dread. The projector wouldn't connect to my laptop when I had to give a presentation, which I found very stressful. But in retrospect, there was nothing terrible in that moment. It was all in the dread - what am I going to tell these people when they show up? What will I tell my boss?
I also had to leave the room with a coughing fit, which was something I worried about for YEARS. I worried about that happening at my wedding, and at every work trip.
I didn't love the experience of being sick in front of people. But it happened and I went back into the room...and that was that. Not ideal, but that situation no longer fills me with dread.

I've also worried at times for years - what if I puke on the metro? And today I thought...so what? It would be embarrassing and uncomfortable but...life would go on.

So if dread is the worst thing I can experience, why do I have it so often?
My whole life people have been telling me to "just stop worrying," which I always found annoying and unhelpful.

So I had to discover for myself two key truths...

- It is POSSIBLE to stop your thoughts from preparing for the worst, after it stops being practical.
- It is GOOD to stop your thoughts from preparing for the worst, after it stops being practical.

I really believed in my deepest place that it was smart to be prepared, and I had to use my smarts to compensate for my flaws - panicking, social awkwardness, inflexibility, being unlikeable. That's how I'd gotten through school, job interviews, even some social settings - by researching and planning and having a strategy.

What it really comes down to - I am just starting to trust myself to respond to a new or unexpected situation as it unfolds. I think some people are born with the confidence to drift through life, just winging it, but better late than never!

I'm sure it will take some practice, but believing that it is POSSIBLE and GOOD to opt out of dread must be an important first step.
If I can spend less of my life in the "brace for impact" mental position...what a life that would be.

This ties into a scary but radically freeing idea - if I lose this pregnancy too, there is nothing I can do to make that go better or worse. I know that I can get through it because I have before, and because there is no choice. 

Because no preparation is possible, that means no preparation is necessary. I can deeply believe that this is a dread that I can and should choose to not put myself through. If something goes wrong, it will be clear to me, from my body or from the doctor. And then I will go home and experience something painful. 

Not easy, but simple.

And the symptoms I experience day to day - nausea, exhaustion, worries when I spot - the worst part is when I tell myself "guess I'll feel this bad for the next 3-18 months!"

Another more mundane example of how I frequently subject myself to dread. I took a pretty long lunch break today between getting a massage & picking up a special dinner
And I started to feel guilty while driving (as I do most times that i run errands or go to the doctor or take a sun break when im teleworking).
And I realized how profoundly unhelpful that feeling was.
If I really think it was a mistake or wrong to leave work for so long, then I can decide to never do it again.
But for today, the decision is made. Second guessing isn't a "compromise" or a way to do both.
It doesnt make me magically spend those minutes at work, it just robs the relaxation and the celebration of their joy. It would be better if I take my breaks either guilt-free, or not at all, then to take them but always beat myself up about it.

Similar, if someone starts a conversation that interrupts my work - better to be either fully present OR ask them to come back another time. But what I have often done - which is half-listen while I'm eager to get back to my previous task - means I'm not really doing either thing.