Again I imagined all kinds of struggles - nipple pain, a baby who wakes every 40 minutes, a terrifying doctor's visit where you learn you baby has lost too much weight.
But my own struggle and solutions were something different. I did not expect that in the first week I would be nursing AND pumping AND formula feeding, but here we are.
Because my Bubbin spent his first 2 days in NICU with breathing aids, he was just on IV. They set me up to pump every 2 hours in the hospital, and when I went home I used my Spectra and brought it in for him.
I went from drops of colostrum on these cotton swabs, to fractions of mL in a syringe, to 1-2 Oz at a time. My milk came in, but not as much as if I'd been nursing him from day 1.
The NICU doc asked if he could formula supplement to get Inigo off the IV sooner and I agreed. I was so eager to have my own IV out after I delivered, and I wanted my baby as wirefree and fed as possible. I have never doubted that this was the right decision.
Here is another benefit of the NICU stay - I think 4 or 5 different lactation consultants came to help me. On day 4 or so I woke up pretty engorged. I got a couple breast massages that hurt as much as contractions, but got me unplugged. I learned how best to cycle between pump modes.
Bubbin still can't latch to me directly, but we learned how to with a nipple shield. (No tongue or lip tie, but he has a high palate, I have short nipples). It was really exciting to get to start nursing him, but the shield is another factor making my milk come in slower.
I hope to graduate from the shield eventually; maybe one day we'll just figure it out. Grateful to have it since it's protecting me from nipple pain & damage, but it is a pain to keep reattaching with every feeding. I don't think I would nurse outside my own home as long as I have to use that thing.
The day we left the hospital, the LCs presented me with a plan to work my way to exclusive breastfeeding.
I would feed on demand with the nipple shield. Before every feeding, I'd pump for a couple minutes to get things flowing.
After every feeding, I'd pump for 15 mins while Lorenzo supplemented with milk or formula.
Then someone had to wash all the pump parts, label the milk, run it down to the fridge if it wasn't enough for the next serving
I thought this sounded really intense.
I thought I'd try for a week.
Lasted 16 hours.
It was too much to both be up for every feeding.
I had my eye on the clock the whole time.
They told me to let him nurse up to 20 mins, but no longer so he wouldn't waste calories.
The first night home, he was eating every 2 hours and not sleeping in between.
(We think BC he was cold, he's been sleeping better since we changed the weight of pjs & swaddle he wears.)
I had a full nervous breakdown, my parents came over, and Lorenzo & I were both terrified.
I slept for 3 hours and announced the pumping regimen was over.
When my baby was hungry, I would let him nurse until he seemed sleepy or I seemed empty. Enjoy that bonding & give him immune protection.
Then, I'd offer him 2-3 Oz of formula, so I knew he was eating enough.
We did this for about a day and it seemed more manageable. I felt more like a mother and less like a milk robot. I realized, that first feed after I stopped pumping, that was the first time I fed my baby on my own - no nurses, no Lorenzo - and then just held him.
Every single other time, I'd handed him off quickly so I could go pump, or so he could go back for some medical treatment. I'd always had my eye on the clock. I'd never sang to him while he grunted and looked around the room in wonder until he got sleepy. I'd never had him fall asleep on me and I gently wrap him back up in bed. I cried from the joy I felt at finally bonding in this way and from the sadness when I realized how much I'd been missing out on this.
It was clear to me that time spent being his mother was more important than time spent pumping 8-12 times a day. And if that meant he'd stay on formula, so be it. I've never doubting this decision either.
And now only one of us had to do each feeding, and we got to skip the pumping & washing & running milk to the fridge part. So we each get to sleep soundly for about half the night, and often get another 1-2 hours while it's our turn on baby duty.
Monday morning, we visited the pediatrician. Her attitude is much more go with the flow than the hospital was, so I feel like I can trust my instincts more.
Bubbin gained 2 Oz since discharge, and doesn't get hungry more than every 2-4 hours, has all the diapers, so our ad lib seems to be working.
I love nursing him, even with the shield. And I'm glad that I can do that without worrying about my pain or his calories.
Besides the huge benefit of night sleep, formula feels more portable for now, while we are not yet latching pros. I can't nurse him yet without a shield and multiple pillows. We realized that this morning's feeding would happen at the pediatrician, so we took a bottle with us. (I'm sure I'm allowed to breast feed there, but I don't want to struggle with the shield in public.)
And I'm glad for all the pumping practice.
I'll still express when I feel like it. Often right after a shower, first thing in the morning, or if I skipped a feed. This will help keep my supply up, and get him as much milk as possible (without compromising my sanity).
I find the pumping kind of relaxing if I choose to do it and I can get a significant amount out.
After a few days at home, we got to retire some of the props & tricks they had sent us home with - the nipple shield, the syringe, the breast massage & pumping for 2 minutes before the feeding. The exact position of pillows mattered less with each passing day.
After a couple weeks, I began to feel frustrated that the nursing was not really progressing. I was pumping three times a day and getting 2-4 oz daily total from both sides. He would latch onto me sometimes, but usually only for a few slow minutes before he'd either fall asleep or become too frustrated & screaming to close his mouth, no matter how deep I shoved my nipple in there.
It was a lot of effort for him to still be 90% formula. I felt that it was still worth it - even just one meal + a couple snacks of of breast milk a day could give him immune protection & digestion benefits & whatever magical supernutrients aren't in formula. The times he nursed were so sweet and felt like an important bond for us, but I never knew when exactly it would work out.
Some days, I wished my milk would dry up so I could just feed him one way instead of three. But I knew that if it did I'd feel sad and angry and afraid.
I didn't blame myself for biology that I couldn't change. I knew that my instincts and decisons were right - I never second guessed about starting formula in NICU, or that pumping 1 hour a day instead of 5 was a better balance for our family.
But some days I second guessed a lot of the micro decisions, wondering if I was missing some magic equation that would make everything easier and better.
Should I pump right after he eats or right before? One time he got hungry halfway through pumping and that worked well, but that's impossible to time for baby who eats every 90 minutes - 4 hours.
Should I try to get him to latch before the bottle, halfway through or after? There is a very narrow window where he's awake & hungry but not yet yelling about it.
How long should I let him scream in frustration before I offer the bottle? I know many moms & babies go through that to establish breastfeeding, but I also knew that I didn't have enough milk to give him a full meal, no matter how long he tried.
I went through labor all natural - no epidural, no pain meds, no IV - partly because I'd heard this could help establish breastfeeding in the first week. I read on the hippy midwife websites about the "golden hour" after birth where the baby snuggles on your chest and sometimes nurses for the first time.
I held my baby for 2 minutes the day he was born before he was rushed to the NICU. Eight hours after delivery, I waddled down to see him, all covered in breathing tubes and monitors and an IV. I asked the nurses if I could touch him and they said just one gentle still hand, it had taken so long to settle him to sleep. I placed my hand on his head and said goodnight and waddled back to my room in a daze. He was safe and I was going to get some sleep; I couldn't process any more than that.
Despite knowing that breastfeeding was a common challenge, and despite having great support from Lorenzo & my mom, I felt alone in the details of my struggle. I felt self conscious bottle feeding him in front of people. I wished that everyone who saw me give my baby formula could also see the hours I spent pumping to get drops, the hours I cried in frustration that I couldn't give my baby more. Earlier in my life, I made some assumptions that formula feeding was something a parent might choose to do flippantly, as a matter of convenience, and now I hated the idea that same judgement might come back at me.
At one point I said, I have never worked so hard at something I wanted to do so much and had so little to show for it.
But I had to tell myself - you have a thriving baby who gets bigger, stronger, and more alert every day and has been dazzling the pediatrician at his checkups. You have two new parents who are increasingly sane & confident, and finding more order and joy with each passing day.
I may not have much if you count the ounces of breast milk in the fridge, but in the big picture of parenting, we had a wonderful first month.
Some days, I wished my milk would dry up so I could just feed him one way instead of three. But I knew that if it did I'd feel sad and angry and afraid.
I didn't blame myself for biology that I couldn't change. I knew that my instincts and decisons were right - I never second guessed about starting formula in NICU, or that pumping 1 hour a day instead of 5 was a better balance for our family.
But some days I second guessed a lot of the micro decisions, wondering if I was missing some magic equation that would make everything easier and better.
Should I pump right after he eats or right before? One time he got hungry halfway through pumping and that worked well, but that's impossible to time for baby who eats every 90 minutes - 4 hours.
Should I try to get him to latch before the bottle, halfway through or after? There is a very narrow window where he's awake & hungry but not yet yelling about it.
How long should I let him scream in frustration before I offer the bottle? I know many moms & babies go through that to establish breastfeeding, but I also knew that I didn't have enough milk to give him a full meal, no matter how long he tried.
I went through labor all natural - no epidural, no pain meds, no IV - partly because I'd heard this could help establish breastfeeding in the first week. I read on the hippy midwife websites about the "golden hour" after birth where the baby snuggles on your chest and sometimes nurses for the first time.
I held my baby for 2 minutes the day he was born before he was rushed to the NICU. Eight hours after delivery, I waddled down to see him, all covered in breathing tubes and monitors and an IV. I asked the nurses if I could touch him and they said just one gentle still hand, it had taken so long to settle him to sleep. I placed my hand on his head and said goodnight and waddled back to my room in a daze. He was safe and I was going to get some sleep; I couldn't process any more than that.
Despite knowing that breastfeeding was a common challenge, and despite having great support from Lorenzo & my mom, I felt alone in the details of my struggle. I felt self conscious bottle feeding him in front of people. I wished that everyone who saw me give my baby formula could also see the hours I spent pumping to get drops, the hours I cried in frustration that I couldn't give my baby more. Earlier in my life, I made some assumptions that formula feeding was something a parent might choose to do flippantly, as a matter of convenience, and now I hated the idea that same judgement might come back at me.
At one point I said, I have never worked so hard at something I wanted to do so much and had so little to show for it.
But I had to tell myself - you have a thriving baby who gets bigger, stronger, and more alert every day and has been dazzling the pediatrician at his checkups. You have two new parents who are increasingly sane & confident, and finding more order and joy with each passing day.
I may not have much if you count the ounces of breast milk in the fridge, but in the big picture of parenting, we had a wonderful first month.
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