About 6 months ago, I was diagnosed and started seeing a CBT for generalized anxiety disorder. I've probably had this for years, at least since high school, and I had crippling social anxiety in the younger grades, and some autism spectrum behaviors.
Symptoms of anxiety run untreated through my mother's family, so I believe I inherited and learned a lot of this from her (as cliche as that is). My counselor & I had just decided that I was doing better (symptoms were low-moderate, down from high-moderate), so I'd go on my merry way and come back if there was a problem. Pregnancy is a pretty disruptive change, mentally and physically, but I don't want to add another monthly (or more often) doctor's appointment. I'll already be out of work a lot & spending so much money on the Obstetrician and the endocrine guy for my hyperthyroidism.
Besides, I learned some great techniques and coping thoughts and attitudes of self-love, and this is an ideal situation to practice them - it's not bad, it's just a new thing.
Self-care - already this is easier. Before when I was tired or hungry, I'd think, is this my thyroid acting up? am i imagining it? am i stress eating? should i go out anyway, so i don't lose my friends and become depressed? i don't want anyone to worry about me. Now, it's just, the baby wants a snack and a nap? That's what we're doing. I *should* love myself as much as I love the baby, and this is a way to see what that looks like.
Staying flexible & accepting that you can't control everything - wedding planning was hard for me some days because I felt like I was doing everything myself with no help. so far, getting ready for the baby feels different. Yes, I'll have to do some reading to learn about health, find day care, and I should probably buy a few things for a nursery. But this baby is coming in 9 months, it's unstoppable, unlike a wedding which only happens if I get a bunch of adults to listen to what I say. I can trust my intuition over social norms now, and instead of being a bad hostess, believe that I'm being a good mother.
Give people a chance to be decent to you - I am a little worried about work. I want to stack all my PTO at the end of the standard maternity leave, and use more work from home days if I feel sick or have appointments. I'm afraid they won't let me (for some reason). But I'm trying not to worry and expect that I will be treated decently, if not exactly the way I want. My mom has been so happy, and not critical of my "decision" (aka my one and only option) to put an under-6-month-old in daycare. My friends have been happy & good listeners, no one has asked if it was surprise or added to my worries.
Live in the moment - I am grateful every day that I feel strong enough to continue working, that I can eat, that I can sleep, that my partner is being so loving and helpful. Fear for the future can be turned into gratitude for now. And unlike my thyroid & anxiety problems, which will be with me on & off for life, any pregnancy symptom truly is a passing thing.
Take it one day at a time - I've made a list of the things we need to do before the baby comes. Everything from hiring a doula to making a registry to planning for a baptism. If something pops into my mind, I write it down. I'm not trying to do any of it yet. These holiday weeks are for resting and sharing the news and getting used to the idea. Once we return to "normal life" sometime in January, we'll start tackling the to-do list.
It's ok to ask for help - I've actually been enjoying asking Mr. Cat for little favors, like more of the driving and bringing me water if I'm sitting. At Christmas dinner, when my family was voting for pizza or Chinese food, I said my vote counted twice. It's silly, but it feels like practice for the time when I'll really need the help.
imposter syndrome - walking into walgreen's to buy the pregnancy test actually felt a bit like the first time I went into try on wedding dresses. I wasn't excited or dreading it. I felt like I was going to pass out or throw up. I was somehow not woman enough to be doing this for real. I should be more glamorous, more put-together, to reach this rite of passage. Like strangers would stare at me, knowing how out of place it was. I've heard at least two of my other friends feel the same way about wedding dress shopping. One is a sweet, well-dressed Martha Stewart model of successful womanhood - cheese plates, handwritten birthday cards, presents for any occasion. The other is a gorgeous confidant vet tech, cook, and workout fiend. So, if neither of them feel up to the mark of womanhood, I'm guessing no one on earth does.
I don't cease to be me just because I'm in a new role of "mom" now. I continued to be me when I was playing the role of "bride". I will still be change averse and sleep loving, but organized and trying my best.
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