which of the seven deadly sins are you?

 For most times in my life, the "deadly sin" that has me firmly in its grips is: Jealousy.

It fits for someone who is a bit brooding by nature. Of course I couldn't even get a vice that's fun while it lasts like Gluttony or even Wrath.

I have truly nasty thoughts about people around me when I feel overwhelmed, turning them into shallow caricatures of easy lives, which I know are unrealistic. How blissful does my life seem from the outside? Why do I imagine that only I have secret burdens that are unbearable?

Here is how Jealous-Me thinks about parenting:
Everyone has a lifeline but me. They all have rich husbands so they can stay home, or easily afford help, or grandparents who babysit for free. Or they work further outside the city where rent & childcare cost less.

People have kids in rougher circumstances...but no one that I know. I have two endocrine disorders & a mental health problem. I'm predisposed to gestational diabetes. I had to stop taking my thyroid medications because of birth defects, and I'm not sure what that will do. I will be frankly astonished if I don't get severe post partum depression. Unlike others I know who took time off when they had a baby or a mental health breakdown, I HAVE TO keep working. I can't decide that it's too much & take a year off, because I don't have a rich husband.

I'm even bitter toward my own mom. My dad made enough money that she could stay home. They moved to this area 30 years ago, when home prices were affordable. She had great health through all four pregnancies & no trouble with breastfeeding or delivery (it remains to be seen if I inherited this). 

Even reasonable thoughts of gratitude can be twisted. I get 5 weeks of PTO a year! That's great worklife balance! And then Jealousy replies, but your officemate was able to go parttime & work from home for a whole year after her daughter was born, because she was in a different department then.

I haven't yet figured out how to drive out this kind of irrational jealousy.

I guess I have two of my own "lifelines" that I should be grateful for:

1) If we couldn't pay food or rent, my parents would give us some money. If we were homeless, they would take us in.

2) My guy is SO HAPPY and excited to be a dad. He says the cheesiest thing, and means them. I asked him why God didn't give me more love and courage if he wanted to make me a parent, and my guy says, well, he gave you me! So yes, even if everyone else I know has more money, no one else has the partner I have. Already, I can't imagine doing it without him.