Did a friend forget to invite me to an event? That's a little sad, but I was too tired to go anyway.
Is my boss maybe disappointed in my work but doesn't want to say anything? That's too bad because my work is not gonna be great this year, I just hope I don't get fired.
Even pregnancy-related anxieties I had earlier are going away. The idea of not drinking for nine months was intimidating to me. We went to 4 parties the week before we found out, when I was already pregnant. I sipped on a couple drinks, but it just wasn't appealing to me. Now, I'm already tired all the time anyway, and concerned that nausea may be just around the corner. So I haven't missed alcohol yet.
And labor seems less scary than before. My mom, and people on the internet, have said that it's not that bad, compared to menopause, or period cramps, or the 9th month of pregnancy, or the 1st month of pregnancy, or the 4th month of breastfeeding. I'm sure some would disagree, but I'm going to believe them for now and tell anyone who tries to make me scared to shut up. Besides these testimonies, there are two main reasons I'm less afraid.
1) I've been through some health shit this year. Hyperthyroidism is terrifying when you don't know what's going on. I felt like I was dying for weeks before I figured it out. It's easily treated, but every few months I'd be just a little bit off again, and they'd change my dosage, and I'd feel terrible for 2-3 weeks.
And then I had a panic attack in my boss's office, that lasted on and off for the next 2 days when we were at a wedding, supposed to be having fun.
I don't really remember what normal healthy carefree me feels like, so maybe it's a great time to be pregnant after all. I'll just kind of roll with this newest set of endocrine changes & fears.
So after months of being scared and exhausted and just feeling off but not knowing why or if it's in your mind....physical pain, with a clear end point, and nothing else to try to get done that day, and people helping you, may be refreshingly straightforward.
2) Pregnancy body so far as been positive. I know it's early, and there are probably some unforeseen nasty symptoms ahead of me. But I am really getting this sense that this is not a disease, it's a normal healthy thing. It can certainly trigger health problems. But so far, I've been sleepy, and hungry, and feeling slight pressure cramps as my uterus grows. And it all makes sense! My body is not sick, it's changing, and I know why these changes are happening!
Even though I don't feel ready in my mind to be pregnant for most of next year, and then to deliver a baby, and then to feed it with my body while i don't sleep & try to heal, and then teach it how to not be an asshole and stay in school....my body knows what it's doing. I've heard people say that as labor begins their rational mind takes a break and a deep mammalian instinct takes over. Already, this is making more sense to me.
I have a little bit of trouble letting go of control, but I think maybe my brain will be burned out enough to accept the break when it comes. And what a feeling of accomplishment when you're done!
3) I'm mentally preparing for intervention free delivery, to lower my chance of complications. But if it really is that bad....I can have the epidural.
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